Well, I bought my plane tickets to visit Philly. I am so excited to see my lady friend, Madison, and to explore my future home. I have no doubt that the trip will solidify my decision to move there. I am so looking forward to being away from work. I have been working so much for the last three weeks, and I have just about reached my limit. Today is my only day off, and I'm pretty sure I'll be working six days again this coming week because the Breeder's Cup will be in town.

Louisville is a mecca for horseracing. Every few years we get lucky enough to host the Breeder's Cup, and of course, the king of all horse races, The Kentucky Derby, is held here every May, on the first Saturday. 

There is a part of me that is sad to leave the things that I love about Kentucky, but I am ready for something new. I need to change it up.

Who knows? Maybe the move to Philly could be the best decision I have ever made? I'd hate to look back and say "What if?"

So I'm going to jump head first into the unknown. 

We had a busy Halloween at work last night. It was such a long night. And after busting my ass behind the bar for six days, I was ready to sleep all day today. My mom had other plans, however, and called me to meet her for coffee. It was good to spend time with her and chat a while. I love her dearly. 

Change awaits.

Word of the Day: Jump

Quote of the Day: "Freedom lies in being bold."

Homework: Is there something that you want that isn't easy to get because of all the little things, or big, that stand in the way? What holds you back the most: the risk of change not paying off or fear of the unknown? Are those things the same? Does it all boil down to fear? WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? Life is passing you by and you potentially miss the greatest thing of your life. So, again, what are you waiting for?

I don't understand why gay guys use sex as their "lead-in". In other words, I don't fucking get it why guys feel the need to show off so that's the first thing that gets people's attention. Nearly naked pictures on social media sites? Tiny bathing suits? Shirtless at the club? What the fuck is it all for? It's attention-seeking behavior and when is enough ever enough? If someone posts cleverly cropped photos of themselves on sites, is that indicative of the "kind" of person they are? 

What happened to modesty? What happened to fantasy? What happened to making someone work to get into your pants instead of just turning yourself into a sex object to make yourself feel okay? What happened to self-respect? It just makes me sad that there seems to be no one who values modesty anymore. It's all "I've got a nice body, so I HAVE to show off." It's like it's compulsive or something. Where are the good gay guys? Moreover, where the fuck is their self-respect? It's heartbreaking people don't value themselves more. You want to be in love? Maybe stop presenting yourself as nothing but a piece of ass to fuck and throw away.

I also don't understand the whole "sex/fetish as a lifestyle" of some people. You like leather? Cool. You like jockstraps? Whatever. But why does it have to become an entire lifestyle and affect your decisions on who you hang out with, what kind of clothes you wear, the bars you go to? Why is sex that important and influential? 

Maybe I'm the crazy one. Maybe I'm old fashioned. Maybe this is the way gay life is, and I need to accept it?

Figure out what's important.

And fuck Grindr.

Words of the Day: Modesty and insatiable.

Quote of the Day: "Who do you think you are?"

Homework: None.

This may sound a little ridiculous, but I'm seeing signs that are making me feel good about moving to Philly. I had been praying for signs that moving to Chicago was the right thing to do. I had been praying that I would be able to stick to the financial plan that I laid out for myself to save money to get myself there. But nothing. No signs. Barely having enough money to get by. But wouldn't you know it, after having a really good talk with my sponsor last week, I started noticing a couple of things.

First, I'm already made my first friend from New York, who is also in the program and is 7 years sober. Second, this keychain I bought in Chicago a few years ago during pride broke. It may not sound like anything important, but the timing of this symbol of Chicago to break was...coincidental, to say the least. Third, for the first time in months, I was actually able to deposit money into my savings ago. I made good money last week, but again, the timing of all of this and in combination with where my head is, making a decision and committing to it in my heart, is all serendipitous. 

Like I also said, it may sound ridiculous. But it's real to me, and that's all that matters.

I am planning my first trip to Philly during the last week of November. I'm also planning on taking the train to New York for a day while I'm there. I am really excited to see New York for the first time. 

I got anothing tattoo, my eleventh. It's runs along my ribs and says "Experience Strength Hope".

It's an interesting time for me. An exciting time.

Word of the Day: Flesh

Quote of the Day: "Pause when agitated."

Homework: None.