On days like today, I go between frustration and contentment. Does that mean I’m mentally ill? 

I got up a little later than normal, made some coffee and had some oatmeal. I took the bus downtown to interview for that bartending job. It went well, I suppose. The guy seemed pleased with my resume. He didn’t ask me many questions, and it was kind of brief. He mentioned checking my availability fits with what he wants and give me a call as soon as possible. I messaged a bartender here that I knew from Kentucky to see if she had any tips for me. She said, and I have heard this from others as well, that most places in this city prefer female bartenders, and if you are a male bartender you “kinda have to be the shit.” Now I wouldn’t necessarily say I was “the shit” as a bartender, but I am really damn good. It’s just trying to convey that in an email or resume that’s the hard part.

This town is full of restaurant “chains”. Restaurateurs who open multiple types of restaurants, different concepts. Tomorrow one of them is having a job fair that I RSVPed to. I’ll stop in there, and afterwards I plan on visiting three gay bars to drop off resumes and applications. Of the three, the one I am most excited about is called Crew. It’s a gay sports bar. Just saying “gay sports bar” makes the world seem like a better place. I am totally down with that. The gay bars are my last hope. If they don’t want me, then I suppose no place in this city does. 

So back to what I was saying earlier… After the interview, I went over to Millennium Park again, to take photos of The Bean, again. I am so fascinated by that sculpture. Afterwards, I walked a couple of blocks over to this awesome building called Aqua. I got some cool photos of that one, too. The building is an incredible design; the balconies are arranged so that the surface of the building actually looks like ripples of water. Google it. It is stunning. After that, I walked Michigan Avenue, just to be a part of the crowd and in the middle of all the buildings. I stopped for some coffee, then took the train back to my neighborhood. 

Since then, I have been on my couch, watching The Walking Dead Season 2 on Netflix. And that’s when things started getting kind of annoying. And completely boring. When I have so much free time, I just get anxious and don’t really know what to do with myself. I don’t mind spending a few hours wandering aimlessly around the city, especially on a beautiful day like today. But that can get tiresome. And I can’t spend any money, so that rules out going to dinner alone or the movies or shopping. So I just sit. Watching episode after episode of 30 Rock or Alias or The Walking Dead. And it can get frustrating. Perhaps the necessity for a second job is greater than money; maybe I need a second job for my mental health. I should have gone to an AA meeting tonight.

I know it will be this way only for a time. I am certain at some point that I will be working so much that I will wish I had days like today. I just need to remind myself of that. And that I am here to be something greater.

Word of the Day: Attrition

Quote of the Day: “Live like a warrior.”

Homework: Think about a time when you’ve felt lonely or trapped. How do you overcome it?

As of today, I have applied for 61 bartending jobs here in Chicago. Sixty-one. That does not include emails sent from my iPhone. There has to be a problem with my resume or I am doing something wrong. I just don’t understand. I have accepted the fact that I will have to apply to the gay bars. Since obviously my experience means shit in this city, I’m hoping that the gay bars may find me reasonably attractive enough to hire. I do have an interview tomorrow at a new place opening, though it’s in the flagship Metra Station and doesn’t have a website yet. (Metra is the suburban trainline running into the Loop, different from the ‘L’.) We’ll see how that interview goes. It definitely doesn’t seem to be my dream job, but at this point, I have to do something. And the two gay bars I want to apply to seem to be the most “low-key” of them all, because I refuse to work with strippers or take off any article of my clothing. I hope this week bring more luck on the job front than the past three have. It’s hard to not be disheartened. 

I do have good news: I passed my exam and am now a fully licensed cosmetologist in Illinois. Bingo!

I have spent the day watching Alias on Netflix. I did my laundry and worked out in my building’s weight room while my clothes washed and dried. I made dinner, and spent time going from the couch to the computer, checking Craigslist for jobs. 

It’s been that kind of day.

Go on. Be jealous.

Word of the Day: Discouraged

Quote of the Day: “The light of a good character surpasseth the light of the sun.”

Homework: None.

I can’t believe that as of tomorrow, I will have been living in Chicago for two weeks. I’ve settled into a simple routine already, which gives me some comfort and sense of security. I’ve got my bus route to work down, and though the trains still confuse me somewhat, I only really use them when I’m exploring the city, so it probably works out best that I don’t know where I am going. Everyone at work seems to like me just fine, but I’m still getting used to the environment there and the training. I was very confident in my ability to cut men’s hair, but the way I am being trained has been a mixed bag of frustration and accomplishment. I trust I will get the hang of it in due time, and I am excited about finally just cutting hair. 

Finding a bartending job has been terribly frustrating. It surprises me, since there are so many bars and restaurants here to work at. I have sent out between 25-30 resumes and of those, I’ve had two responses. One was for a bar that opens in two months, and the other I actually had an interview, but didn’t get the job. I had checked and re-checked my resume a hundred times. I am not sure what the problem is or why I am having so much trouble finding a second job. I am supremely confident in my bartending ability, in all aspects, and I have no doubt at all that if someone would throw me behind their bar at it’s busiest, I would rock their world. But how do I say that in a resume? I’ve even widened my scope of potential jobs to barbacking, serving, and coffee shops. Tomorrow I will drop off resumes to several of the whiskey/bourbon bars around town, since that is my forte. And I saw a listing on Craigslist about a bartending position at a restaurant one block away from me, so I’ll stop there as well. I am discouraged that I still haven’t found anything, but I know I will.

I have never tried to live on such a small amount of money for such an extended period. Though I firmly believe you don’t need money to have a good time, in a city like this, my train/bus pass can go quickly if I don’t plan carefully. I already lost one with $25 on it on my first day of work, not to mention the $25 that was deducted from my bank account but not added to my card. I have spent a lot of time in my apartment, since the weather has been rainy and colder for the last week. During my first week, I rode my bike 18 miles along the Lake Front Trail, which is a bike/running/walking path that runs along Lake Michigan. I’ve also spent a lot of time just walking and exploring around my neighborhood and a little downtown, so much so that I rubbed the back of my left foot raw. I look forward to the day I can actually go out to eat, go see a show or do anything that requires money. But it will come, if I am patient. 

As far as a social circle…well, there is none. I still haven’t gone to an AA meeting here yet, though there are many near me, including some gay ones. I haven’t gone because of a mixture of fear and laziness. I just need to make that first step because I know that I could make friends pretty quickly, and they’d be the kind I actually want. In all fairness, I do have one friend here and I value his friendship deeply. Oh, and I have at least built enough rapore with two of my neighbors that we say “What’s up?” or give a bro-like head nod when we pass.

This city is giant. It’s mine for the taking. I just have to find a second job and not be so scared. 

I got this.

Word of the Day: Beginning

Quote of the Day: “I don’t even know if there’s such a thing as “getting south” on anyone.”

Homework: How do you think you’d handle relocation?

I’ve had this Xanga app for months now, and never used it, so today seems like a good day to try it out.

In a few hours, I will be picking up the Uhaul to pack up my apartment. I’ll be starting my journey to Chicago tomorrow morning around 8:30 or 9. I’m definitely excited about it, but I can feel the pangs of anxiety and fear just on the other side of that excitement. The finality of things here in Louisville and the things I will do today for the last time is setting in, and there is a little sadness at the thought of that. I’ll have to keep things in perspective this week, reminding myself that I am only a few hours away from home.

The adventure is about to begin.

Word of the Day: Relocation

Quote of the Day: “Maybe Monday, maybe not.”

Homework: None.

Change is coming.

There was a time in my life that I wasn’t sure, and didn’t care, if I would live to be 30, let alone do something big or have an actual dream. But here I am, freshly 30 and making my dream a reality. Just like I’ve been planning for a year. 

I have secured a job and an apartment in Chicago. It’s happening. With help from up above, I’m actually making this happen for myself. In about 5 weeks I’ll be moving into my apartment in Chicago and and starting my job. The excitement is building to fever pitch and I’m ready to hit the road with my stuff today. But I still have a little time to wrap things up here. 

I’ll be living in Lincoln Park, right across the street from Lake Michigan, in a great studio apartment. My dream job, working in a men’s salon, is in Wicker Park. I’m still looking for a part-time bartending job, but my first month’s rent is paid at the new apartment, so I have a little time to make that happen. 

I can’t believe this is my life. I never thought I could accomplish something like this.

It’s shocking how different I am today.

I love it.

After numerous documentaries and reading, I decided a couple of weeks ago to switch to all organic food. The transition has been pretty easy, although eating out will be a challenge in the future, I can already tell. Since last Tuesday, except for an interruption by Easter with my family, I have been living off of organic bananas, almonds and whole grains (quinoa, specifically), and fruit/vegetable juice. And I mean serious juice, not the “juice” that’s sold at the grocery store. I have lost about 10 pounds already, and I will continue to eat and drink fruit for the next week. I’m giving my body time to detox and reset. My energy is through the roof, and I can say that I have been feeling pretty incredible. More people should try it. I never in a million years thought that I’d be someone to say these things, but seriously, my mind has been blown by some of these documentaries. Watch ‘Food, Inc.’, ‘Forks Over Knives’, and ‘The Vanishing of the Bees’. I’m not going to turn into one of those “preachy” people about it all, but my ideas about food have been challenged to say the least. 

I started work with my sponsor again and I’m making a point to be extra social. More on that another time. 

Not much else knew to report.

Word of the Day: Detox

Quote of the Day: “I hope it’s not too late.”

Homework: None.

I got my 2-year token last night. It’s a miracle.

Sometimes I get so frustrated. I just don’t understand why the guys I like never like me. What is wrong with me? I have hope in so many other areas of my life, but sometimes it’s just hard not to look inward and wonder, “What is so wrong with you that the rare times you want to connect deeply with someone, they see something about you they don’t like.” And I try. I am a gentleman. I am caring. I am loyal. I listen. I find a thrill in just the slightest touch. But it is all lost when no one notices.

Perhaps I cling to hope that someone out there will choose me above all others because my brain can’t handle the quite possible reality of spending my adulthood alone.

Maybe, as the saying goes, it hasn’t anything to do with me, it’s them. Maybe it’s the absence of feeling something, rather than actually saying to themselves, “No, I would never date him.” You know, like the way you walk right past someone without noticing, rather than thinking, “DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THAT PERSON.”

Or maybe that’s just a lie to make myself feel better.

Either way, maybe I should accept that maybe I’ll always be the “friend” type. Maybe there actually isn’t anything outstanding about my character or personality or life that would make someone take notice and say, “That’s the one.” It sounds so bleak and hopeless.

However…

As painful and immensely frustrating it is sometimes for me to be single, I will never, EVER, stop believing in the possibility of love for me. To stop believing is to give up hope. And whether I have that hope held up on the weakest of lies or not, to live without hope is to die.

And I want to live.

It should be pointed out that, in all fairness, these feelings could be misguided. Perhaps if I had more friends and a more active social life, this visceral need for me to “connect” wouldn’t be directed solely on a relationship.

Word of the Day: Connect

Quote of the Day: “I think of you as well.”

Homework: What do you think the problem is? 

I’ve been realizing how much I am driven by hope. Not a desperate hope, like it’s the only thing I can cling to, but more of a “good faith” attitude towards life. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve been in the middle of a concert or a walk or taking a photo and thought to myself “It can possibly get better than this,” then I would be a rich man. I wake up in the morning excited about the day, excited about waking up. I always believe that today or tonight or tomorrow could be the best day of my life. However small the chance, there IS a chance that today could be the best yet.

There is always a chance. 

And that chance keeps me optimistic. And hopeful. 

Word of the Day: Hope.

Quote of the Day: “I love the way that you are.”

Homework: Decide whether you believe that there is always a chance that the next moment could be the best ever. Why or why not?

First day of Spring. Magic is in the air.

As I was closing up last night while bartending, a group of people came in. Looking at the interaction among the group, it appeared to be a large family, probably about 10 people. It got me thinking about my family and the reunions I used to go to as a kid. 

My family has since splintered since those days,  but I remember how, as a teenager, I felt so out of place among the other teens in my family. No doubt my sexuality played a big part in my feeling like that, but I just remember always feeling strange.

It’s funny how as a teenager, the only thing you want is to fit in and be the same as everyone else. But how curious that eventually, somewhere along the line, that desire to fit in and be the same fell away, and I embraced the things that made me different. I hold tight to things things today because they make me who I am. 

I wonder when that happens for people, and if it happens to everyone?

Embrace the differences. 

Word of the Day: Differences

Quote of the Day: “When?”

Homework: Decide if you embrace your differences or hide them. Also, watch the opening titles of the tv show “Perfect Strangers” on YouTube. It’s perfect for me.

First things first. Am I alone in thinking that Redfoo from LMFAO is super hot?

I talked to the owner of the salon I work at about my future there. I pulled him aside and told him that I didn’t want my future to be in Louisville, or even in the state of Kentucky. I told him I felt like it was the honest and right thing to do to let him know. He asked if I wanted to continue training with him and gave me some recommendations for places in Chicago. He seemed pretty cool with it. I can see both sides to the coin, whether or not it was a good idea to tell him that I would be leaving eventually. But it was weighing on my conscience, so I felt that it was the right thing to do, whether or not it was the right “business” decision. One more thing I can cross off the list of things to do to get me to Chicago. Perhaps it’s naive of me to think this way, but I hope he sees it as supporting a dream for someone, just as someone did for him.

It’s a strange feeling, riding around my city, working and walking and riding my bike. I feel a finality to it, an enjoyment of the things around me, but it’s empty, like my heart is not here. I can appreciate the things here, but I guess it could be similar to sitting down at a restaurant and wanting something specific, but they don’t have it. You can appreciate the meal in front of you, but you had your heart set on something else. Since I’ve come home from Chicago, I’ve come in contact with 6 people from Chicago, and already have two people that gave me their info so I can contact them when I get there. The said they would help me in any way they can.

I feel really good about my future, I have a clear picture of what I want, and I can say this is the first time in my life that I have a clear, specific goal in mind about my future. It may have taken me 30 years to figure it out, but I can see it clearly now and I am going to make it happen. 

I never thought I’d be that guy. I always thought I would be the one that just was kind of “there”. But my sights are set. 

St. Patrick’s Day was crazy at my bartending job. I made great money, but the night had a few highlights, including a guy that was so drunk he was asking me where the bathroom was while he was peeing on the floor and himself. In the 8 or so years I have been in the restaurant business and the four of those I have been bartending, that is the craziest thing I have ever seen. 

I have to speak at an AA meeting tonight. I’m kind of nervous about it, but luckily I have a topic to talk about, so that takes the pressure off a little bit. I’m sure it will go well, despite my nerves. I found a new sponsor, just in time for my 2-year sobriety birthday next week. I’m looking forward to the change of sponsorship and learning more and improving more.

I think that’s one of the greatest things that I have learned and love about life: always striving to be better. 

Word of the Day: Better

Quote of the Day: “I have always been delighted at the prospect of a new day, a fresh try, one more start, with perhaps a bit of magic waiting somewhere behind the morning…”

Homework: Do you think the decision to tell the employer of your plans for the future was wrong or right? Why or why not?