Chicago. The land where my dreams will come true. I’m back to the original plan I set in place nine months ago. I will be in Chicago this fall.

I have to be there.

I was made for the city.

Life is waiting on me up there.

The countdown begins.

Word of the Day: Countdown

Quote of the Day: “Take me to Pleasuretown.”

Homework: None.

It’s time. Interestingly, it’s coming up on my two-year anniversary of getting sober. But after two years of sobriety and retreating from any sort of social life, not to mention the thousands of hours I have spent working nights, I am ready to get reacquainted with life. Working at the salon during the day and dropping my bartending schedule down to three days has left more evenings open to me and I got really sad the other day because in the process, I have alienated myself from the public in some ways. So now that I’m in the normal 9-5 working world (for the most part), it’s time to expand my tiny circle of local friends. 

I guess I should say that I have no intention of drinking or quitting sobriety. I should also acknowledge the fact that perhaps this is the way things were supposed to work out, that this is actually a blessing. The best way to rebuild something that was broken is to tear it down and start from scratch. And here I am. I can choose my friends carefully, and actually work on building a circle that will be as enriching to me as I can be to them.

If my first year of sobriety was for getting used to a clear-headed life and learning to crawl, my second was standing up on my own two feet and learning to walk. Now maybe my third will be learning to run, jump and play. Looking back on the last two years, I can also say that the first was all about mental and spiritual repair, the second was about emotional and physical repair, so maybe the third will be about social and interpersonal repair. I’m looking forward to it.

I am heading to Chicago tomorrow. I have been so looking forward to this! Everything is all set, my plans for each day are written out. I am excited to get away all by myself. Just the big city and me. 

Word of the Day: Scratch

Quote of the Day: “When the pain of staying the same becomes greater that the fear of change, change will come.”

Homework: How much does a social life fit in your happiness? 

I’m thinking of getting WordPress and getting a host for my own URL and site. A little more ownership and customization, less Xanga filler. 

I had an uncomfortable talk with my roommate yesterday. After the latest string of dog incidents (including the destruction of a $100 pair of earphones), I had to tell her that I didn’t want the dog in the apartment anymore. There has been far too much destroyed and the whole situation has spun wildly out of control. Of course, she blows things off and doesn’t really mind the furry terror, but my blood pressure sky rockets and it’s all I can do to keep my cool. “Well, I am not sure what to do. I’ll try and think of something,” she said. God, please give me patience.

Work at the salon is going well, despite the occasional frustration of the basic things being a challenge for me once in a while. I am glad to finally be doing my apprenticeship, but I am realizing that my heart still lies with barbering. I’ll get there eventually.

I met a pair of couples from Portland, Oregon, on Friday night while bartending. They had come to Kentucky to check out some of the bourbon distilleries. The most lively of the group was a military historian and was married to a delightful Asian woman who use to be a bartender. They came back to see me on Saturday night and we spent a lot of time talking. They told me to come check out Portland and they’d love to treat me to dinner if I ever made it out there. I love when that stuff happens, because I think life is made up of relationships.

My trip to Chicago is next week and I am so excited!! I wrote out my itinerary and have a lot planned. I’m visiting 4 museums, going to the taping of the NPR radio show and may buy a ticket to see “Bring It On: The Musical” while I’m there. If I don’t do that, my Tuesday night will be completely free. Next week can’t get her fast enough!

Tait got tickets for us to see Madonna in Minneapolis! I have wanted to see her for so long, and I am excited to get back up to Minneapolis. Hopefully since it will be in November, it won’t be too bad. If the world will end in December, this is going to be a great year to go out on.

Word of the Day: Connection

Quote of the Day: “Well, Ryan, I hope you find what you are looking for.”

Homework: None.

Well. Here we are. A month into January. Time sure flies when you’re busy, doesn’t it?

I started work at the salon last week. I am really excited about it and looking forward to learning as much as I can. The environment is great, the people are really cool and down to earth, but there is an awesome level of professionalism. I will be working 5 days a week, so I put in notice at my other job about the change in schedule. I’m dropping my manager duties and will be working Monday, Friday and Saturday nights. I’m going to see how that goes for while, as far as money and my energy level, and may eventually drop my Monday nights as well. Working at the salon has been great so far, but it’ll take some time to get used to the way they do hair and how their “system” works. But I am so grateful to be there.

Despite being so busy and focused on my new job, my thoughts are drawn a million places sometimes. 

When does dreaming big go from a tough, but achievable, goal, to a complete fantasy? Where is that line in the sand that on one side says, “Yes, you’ll have to work really hard, but you can make this happen,” and on the other says, “You don’t have the power or resources to ever accomplish this task,”?

What makes greatness? If I am a box, would my greatness be defined in terms of how well and efficiently I filled the box with stuff? Or is it defined as overflowing and breaking the box apart? Perhaps it can be both? Maybe there are different types of greatness: the kind that knows what it’s capable of and fires on all cylinders, and the kind that doesn’t give a damn about limits and pushes to go further, faster, harder, stronger, longer, better.

I guess if I want to figure out how great I want to be, I need to figure out which definition is best. Which one resonates with me the most. 

Here’s to greatness.

Word of the Day: Great

Quote of the Day: “I’m bleeding money.”

Homework: Decide for yourself how you define greatness. 

Well, the Australian Open has started, and I’ve spent more time on my couch watching tennis and sleeping, due to the weird hours Down Under, than I think I ever have in my life. The more I watch, the more I fall in love with the sport. It’s a vicious, vicious cycle.

Well, we had snow last week and the city seemed to be frozen. Today we have temps close to 60 and tornadoes. Seriously, Kentucky has the craziest weather ever. There’s a saying around here, “You don’t like the weather in Kentucky? Just wait a minute.” As mild as our winter has been, much like the rest of the country, I am hoping to ride it out nice and smoothly. We’ll see how that goes.

I called to check on my resume last week, and the lady that answered the phone was the one who I gave my resume to. She’s the manager of the salon and she said that she passed it along to the owner and that they should be giving me a call this week. I am really hoping they call!

I am starting to get butterflies at the thought of moving. Six months is not that far away, and I am really starting to feel it. I am getting nervous! If I had the money saved up and didn’t need to worry about an apprenticeship, I would pack up and move tomorrow. But the anticipation of saving enough money, finding an apartment, finding a job, et cetera, is making me nervous but so excited!

Word of the Day: Wait

Quote of the Day: “You teach me the value of friendship every day.”

Homework: None.

I am going to see the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra tonight with my mom. It’s in town for tonight only, and I am so excited about it!

I have found that since getting sober almost two years ago, my interests have really shined bright. I have always had interest in the arts, but I think now I can actually find value in those things. I can say with confidence that having a few friends interested in such things has helped me explore the artistic side of me as well. My friend Tait in Minneapolis has played a very important role in bringing my “artsy-ness” to the surface. On my trips to visit him, they have been filled with plenty of culture. Musuems, the orchestra, food, fine chocolate. Luckily he has some sort of semblance to knowledge in those categories, so it gave me a place to start once I started exploring those things for myself. 

Now I’m really passionate about it. History, art, photography. I can’t get enough. I guess it boils down to my love of learning. 

Sometimes I feel like I’m playing catch-up. I spent so much time in the haze of a mania from drugs and alcohol that I missed so much, and sometimes I feel like I am making up for it now. 

I certainly don’t feel 30. But I feel like a teenager sometimes. Well, at least early 20′s. I have read that when you start using drugs, your mental/emotional development stops. So maybe that’s why I feel the way I do sometimes now that I’ve gotten clean?

I have been caffeine-free for four days. Well, I had a Coke Zero last night, but that’s unusual for me. I hadn’t planned cutting out caffeine, it just kind of happened by accident. And now I’m just seeing how long I want to ride this out. 

If 2011 was the year that I came into my own, 2012 will be the year that I start building a kickass skyscraper on the foundation that’s newly settled. Mark it.

Word of the Day: Culture

Quote of the Day: “Words are often the easiest way to show kindness or affinity…especially when deserved.”

Homework: Do you have enough culture? When was the last time you went to see a play? The museum? Watched a documentary? Perhaps it’s time.

Months have passed since I last updated. 

I wish I had something interesting to report. 

I visited my future home, Philadelphia, during the last week of November. I had an awesome time, and did a lot of walking around/exploring the city. I even went to an AA meeting while I was there. There is tons of stuff to do, lots of people, and so much history. I am still on track to move at the end of May/beginning of June, and I can’t wait! I still have a few things to take care of here, namely barber school. If I understood the woman I talked to at the Pennsylvania State Board, if I go to school here, I can do my apprenticeship in Philadelphia and get licensed in that state. It just won’t carry over if and when I return to Kentucky. But I can worry about that when the time comes. 

I have run into a little problem, however. When I last checked, my apprentice cosmetologist license would reduce the amount of time I’d have to spend in barber school. Well, I called today and that is only true once I become a master stylist, which would follow a six-month apprenticeship in a salon. My plan was to go to barber school here, for four months, finish, get my apprentice license here and then work in Philly. I am not sure where to go from here. A wrench has been thrown into my plan. 

Fuck. Why can’t things be easy? Nothing ever goes according to plan. 

Stay tuned.

Word of the Day: Wrench

Quote of the Day: “Do all the good you can. By all the means you can. In all the ways you can. At all the times you can. To all the people you can. As long as you ever can.”

Homework: None.

Tattoos. I am getting two more in the coming weeks. 

As much shit as I’m sure I’ll get for saying this, one of the tattoos I’m getting was inspired by a dear friend who has a similar one, and by a movie/book series I’m a big fan of. Yes, it’s a Harry Potter tattoo. I’m just going to get a lightning bolt with the name of a spell. A protection charm, to be more specific. I’m really excited about it. 

The guy that did all of the dogwood flowers on my arm is coming back in town and I have an appointment with him to get some more work done. I am still trying to figure out what I want him to do. I have a few ideas but nothing definite.

In other news, work was nuts this weekend. I made a lot of money and had a ton of fun, so it was a good weekend.

I am trying to get a plan together in my head about my apartment when I move. I talked to my mom about it and want her to move in when my lease is up. I would love to give it up to her, but it’s also a way to know that I can always come back to this apartment. I have never felt more at home in a place, other than my house growing up, as I have here. 

I am really looking forward to this weekend. I requested off for it a month ago and actually have a Saturday night off. AND I’m going out to the gay bar. I haven’t been to the gay bar on a Saturday night in…maybe since I got sober! That’s crazy! I am SO excited to finally be doing something other than working on a Saturday.

And I’ll be visiting Philly in three weeks.

Word of the Day: Hope

Quote of the Day: “One of these days I’ll muster up the courage to dance as hard in public as I do when I’m listening to my iPod alone in my apartment.”

Homework: None.

Well, I bought my plane tickets to visit Philly. I am so excited to see my lady friend, Madison, and to explore my future home. I have no doubt that the trip will solidify my decision to move there. I am so looking forward to being away from work. I have been working so much for the last three weeks, and I have just about reached my limit. Today is my only day off, and I’m pretty sure I’ll be working six days again this coming week because the Breeder’s Cup will be in town.

Louisville is a mecca for horseracing. Every few years we get lucky enough to host the Breeder’s Cup, and of course, the king of all horse races, The Kentucky Derby, is held here every May, on the first Saturday. 

There is a part of me that is sad to leave the things that I love about Kentucky, but I am ready for something new. I need to change it up.

Who knows? Maybe the move to Philly could be the best decision I have ever made? I’d hate to look back and say “What if?”

So I’m going to jump head first into the unknown. 

We had a busy Halloween at work last night. It was such a long night. And after busting my ass behind the bar for six days, I was ready to sleep all day today. My mom had other plans, however, and called me to meet her for coffee. It was good to spend time with her and chat a while. I love her dearly. 

Change awaits.

Word of the Day: Jump

Quote of the Day: “Freedom lies in being bold.”

Homework: Is there something that you want that isn’t easy to get because of all the little things, or big, that stand in the way? What holds you back the most: the risk of change not paying off or fear of the unknown? Are those things the same? Does it all boil down to fear? WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? Life is passing you by and you potentially miss the greatest thing of your life. So, again, what are you waiting for?

I don’t understand why gay guys use sex as their “lead-in”. In other words, I don’t fucking get it why guys feel the need to show off so that’s the first thing that gets people’s attention. Nearly naked pictures on social media sites? Tiny bathing suits? Shirtless at the club? What the fuck is it all for? It’s attention-seeking behavior and when is enough ever enough? If someone posts cleverly cropped photos of themselves on sites, is that indicative of the “kind” of person they are? 

What happened to modesty? What happened to fantasy? What happened to making someone work to get into your pants instead of just turning yourself into a sex object to make yourself feel okay? What happened to self-respect? It just makes me sad that there seems to be no one who values modesty anymore. It’s all “I’ve got a nice body, so I HAVE to show off.” It’s like it’s compulsive or something. Where are the good gay guys? Moreover, where the fuck is their self-respect? It’s heartbreaking people don’t value themselves more. You want to be in love? Maybe stop presenting yourself as nothing but a piece of ass to fuck and throw away.

I also don’t understand the whole “sex/fetish as a lifestyle” of some people. You like leather? Cool. You like jockstraps? Whatever. But why does it have to become an entire lifestyle and affect your decisions on who you hang out with, what kind of clothes you wear, the bars you go to? Why is sex that important and influential? 

Maybe I’m the crazy one. Maybe I’m old fashioned. Maybe this is the way gay life is, and I need to accept it?

Figure out what’s important.

And fuck Grindr.

Words of the Day: Modesty and insatiable.

Quote of the Day: “Who do you think you are?”

Homework: None.