I got my 2-year token last night. It’s a miracle.

Sometimes I get so frustrated. I just don’t understand why the guys I like never like me. What is wrong with me? I have hope in so many other areas of my life, but sometimes it’s just hard not to look inward and wonder, “What is so wrong with you that the rare times you want to connect deeply with someone, they see something about you they don’t like.” And I try. I am a gentleman. I am caring. I am loyal. I listen. I find a thrill in just the slightest touch. But it is all lost when no one notices.

Perhaps I cling to hope that someone out there will choose me above all others because my brain can’t handle the quite possible reality of spending my adulthood alone.

Maybe, as the saying goes, it hasn’t anything to do with me, it’s them. Maybe it’s the absence of feeling something, rather than actually saying to themselves, “No, I would never date him.” You know, like the way you walk right past someone without noticing, rather than thinking, “DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THAT PERSON.”

Or maybe that’s just a lie to make myself feel better.

Either way, maybe I should accept that maybe I’ll always be the “friend” type. Maybe there actually isn’t anything outstanding about my character or personality or life that would make someone take notice and say, “That’s the one.” It sounds so bleak and hopeless.

However…

As painful and immensely frustrating it is sometimes for me to be single, I will never, EVER, stop believing in the possibility of love for me. To stop believing is to give up hope. And whether I have that hope held up on the weakest of lies or not, to live without hope is to die.

And I want to live.

It should be pointed out that, in all fairness, these feelings could be misguided. Perhaps if I had more friends and a more active social life, this visceral need for me to “connect” wouldn’t be directed solely on a relationship.

Word of the Day: Connect

Quote of the Day: “I think of you as well.”

Homework: What do you think the problem is? 

I’ve been realizing how much I am driven by hope. Not a desperate hope, like it’s the only thing I can cling to, but more of a “good faith” attitude towards life. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve been in the middle of a concert or a walk or taking a photo and thought to myself “It can possibly get better than this,” then I would be a rich man. I wake up in the morning excited about the day, excited about waking up. I always believe that today or tonight or tomorrow could be the best day of my life. However small the chance, there IS a chance that today could be the best yet.

There is always a chance. 

And that chance keeps me optimistic. And hopeful. 

Word of the Day: Hope.

Quote of the Day: “I love the way that you are.”

Homework: Decide whether you believe that there is always a chance that the next moment could be the best ever. Why or why not?

First day of Spring. Magic is in the air.

As I was closing up last night while bartending, a group of people came in. Looking at the interaction among the group, it appeared to be a large family, probably about 10 people. It got me thinking about my family and the reunions I used to go to as a kid. 

My family has since splintered since those days,  but I remember how, as a teenager, I felt so out of place among the other teens in my family. No doubt my sexuality played a big part in my feeling like that, but I just remember always feeling strange.

It’s funny how as a teenager, the only thing you want is to fit in and be the same as everyone else. But how curious that eventually, somewhere along the line, that desire to fit in and be the same fell away, and I embraced the things that made me different. I hold tight to things things today because they make me who I am. 

I wonder when that happens for people, and if it happens to everyone?

Embrace the differences. 

Word of the Day: Differences

Quote of the Day: “When?”

Homework: Decide if you embrace your differences or hide them. Also, watch the opening titles of the tv show “Perfect Strangers” on YouTube. It’s perfect for me.

First things first. Am I alone in thinking that Redfoo from LMFAO is super hot?

I talked to the owner of the salon I work at about my future there. I pulled him aside and told him that I didn’t want my future to be in Louisville, or even in the state of Kentucky. I told him I felt like it was the honest and right thing to do to let him know. He asked if I wanted to continue training with him and gave me some recommendations for places in Chicago. He seemed pretty cool with it. I can see both sides to the coin, whether or not it was a good idea to tell him that I would be leaving eventually. But it was weighing on my conscience, so I felt that it was the right thing to do, whether or not it was the right “business” decision. One more thing I can cross off the list of things to do to get me to Chicago. Perhaps it’s naive of me to think this way, but I hope he sees it as supporting a dream for someone, just as someone did for him.

It’s a strange feeling, riding around my city, working and walking and riding my bike. I feel a finality to it, an enjoyment of the things around me, but it’s empty, like my heart is not here. I can appreciate the things here, but I guess it could be similar to sitting down at a restaurant and wanting something specific, but they don’t have it. You can appreciate the meal in front of you, but you had your heart set on something else. Since I’ve come home from Chicago, I’ve come in contact with 6 people from Chicago, and already have two people that gave me their info so I can contact them when I get there. The said they would help me in any way they can.

I feel really good about my future, I have a clear picture of what I want, and I can say this is the first time in my life that I have a clear, specific goal in mind about my future. It may have taken me 30 years to figure it out, but I can see it clearly now and I am going to make it happen. 

I never thought I’d be that guy. I always thought I would be the one that just was kind of “there”. But my sights are set. 

St. Patrick’s Day was crazy at my bartending job. I made great money, but the night had a few highlights, including a guy that was so drunk he was asking me where the bathroom was while he was peeing on the floor and himself. In the 8 or so years I have been in the restaurant business and the four of those I have been bartending, that is the craziest thing I have ever seen. 

I have to speak at an AA meeting tonight. I’m kind of nervous about it, but luckily I have a topic to talk about, so that takes the pressure off a little bit. I’m sure it will go well, despite my nerves. I found a new sponsor, just in time for my 2-year sobriety birthday next week. I’m looking forward to the change of sponsorship and learning more and improving more.

I think that’s one of the greatest things that I have learned and love about life: always striving to be better. 

Word of the Day: Better

Quote of the Day: “I have always been delighted at the prospect of a new day, a fresh try, one more start, with perhaps a bit of magic waiting somewhere behind the morning…”

Homework: Do you think the decision to tell the employer of your plans for the future was wrong or right? Why or why not?

Chicago. The land where my dreams will come true. I’m back to the original plan I set in place nine months ago. I will be in Chicago this fall.

I have to be there.

I was made for the city.

Life is waiting on me up there.

The countdown begins.

Word of the Day: Countdown

Quote of the Day: “Take me to Pleasuretown.”

Homework: None.

It’s time. Interestingly, it’s coming up on my two-year anniversary of getting sober. But after two years of sobriety and retreating from any sort of social life, not to mention the thousands of hours I have spent working nights, I am ready to get reacquainted with life. Working at the salon during the day and dropping my bartending schedule down to three days has left more evenings open to me and I got really sad the other day because in the process, I have alienated myself from the public in some ways. So now that I’m in the normal 9-5 working world (for the most part), it’s time to expand my tiny circle of local friends. 

I guess I should say that I have no intention of drinking or quitting sobriety. I should also acknowledge the fact that perhaps this is the way things were supposed to work out, that this is actually a blessing. The best way to rebuild something that was broken is to tear it down and start from scratch. And here I am. I can choose my friends carefully, and actually work on building a circle that will be as enriching to me as I can be to them.

If my first year of sobriety was for getting used to a clear-headed life and learning to crawl, my second was standing up on my own two feet and learning to walk. Now maybe my third will be learning to run, jump and play. Looking back on the last two years, I can also say that the first was all about mental and spiritual repair, the second was about emotional and physical repair, so maybe the third will be about social and interpersonal repair. I’m looking forward to it.

I am heading to Chicago tomorrow. I have been so looking forward to this! Everything is all set, my plans for each day are written out. I am excited to get away all by myself. Just the big city and me. 

Word of the Day: Scratch

Quote of the Day: “When the pain of staying the same becomes greater that the fear of change, change will come.”

Homework: How much does a social life fit in your happiness?