This may sound a little ridiculous, but I'm seeing signs that are making me feel good about moving to Philly. I had been praying for signs that moving to Chicago was the right thing to do. I had been praying that I would be able to stick to the financial plan that I laid out for myself to save money to get myself there. But nothing. No signs. Barely having enough money to get by. But wouldn't you know it, after having a really good talk with my sponsor last week, I started noticing a couple of things.

First, I'm already made my first friend from New York, who is also in the program and is 7 years sober. Second, this keychain I bought in Chicago a few years ago during pride broke. It may not sound like anything important, but the timing of this symbol of Chicago to break was...coincidental, to say the least. Third, for the first time in months, I was actually able to deposit money into my savings ago. I made good money last week, but again, the timing of all of this and in combination with where my head is, making a decision and committing to it in my heart, is all serendipitous. 

Like I also said, it may sound ridiculous. But it's real to me, and that's all that matters.

I am planning my first trip to Philly during the last week of November. I'm also planning on taking the train to New York for a day while I'm there. I am really excited to see New York for the first time. 

I got anothing tattoo, my eleventh. It's runs along my ribs and says "Experience Strength Hope".

It's an interesting time for me. An exciting time.

Word of the Day: Flesh

Quote of the Day: "Pause when agitated."

Homework: None.

You know, I put a lot of pressure on myself. My sponsor reminded me this morning that I have only been sober for a year and half. In that time, there's no way I could know everything and experience everything with a sober mind. He reminded me there still a lot of emotions and situations I have to go through in sobriety to learn to deal with. 

I was explaining my frustration with my (lack of) romantic relationship and why it seems to bother the fuck out of me and my emotions. I was surprised by the fact that I hadn't thought of what he said before then. He said "Remind yourself that you're still learning how to deal with life and it's problems without running to a drug or to a bottle to forget about them." With emotions like I've been feel recently, I would have drowned my sorrows in alcohol and God's knows who or what else. I would have continued to bury it deeper deeper. Perhaps now, for all the times I've done that in the past, they are all surfacing again. 

So perhaps the test is now, what to do with all of these emotions. I tend to be comfortable in the "victim" spot. So I think it's time to do some work.

Word of the Day: Work.

Quote of the Day: "And so the boy travelled on, undeterred upon his quest. For he now knew that it was not another's love that would make him real, but the love within his own heart."

Homework: None.

I've had enough.

I still haven't been able to get a second date with that guy. At this point, I don't even know why I get bothered by rejection, if that is indeed what this is. I should be used to it by now.

I made a commitment to myself not to tweet anything about being single, anything depressing, or anything related to self-pity for one week. I think I was doing it to much. Perhaps if I don't verbalize it, or train my head to ignore the impulse of putting my self-pity out there, I can avoid it all together. 

I'm going on day 5 of not smoking. The "doing it just for something to do" habitual aspect is still pretty strong in my mind, but the actual want for a cigarette is minimal. 

I am also going celibate for one week. Not that I was sexually active...at all...but I am taking a break from masturbating. It wasn't out of control or ridiculous, but I feel the need sometimes to exercise control over my body and impulses. 

This week is going to be all about exercising control over myself. 

I need to remind myself that my mind is stronger than my body.

Word of the Day: Control

Quote of the Day: "Secrets run deep when you're in a pit of vipers."

Homework: What ways do you practice "mind over matter"? Do you ever feel the need to remind yourself that you can win most of the battles you face in your mind?

I'm one step closer to Chicago. 

I passed my state board tests yesterday. I practiced a lot, but the test wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I am really proud of myself, for sure. So now that's accomplished, I need to start getting ready for barber school. It feels so good when a plan starts coming together.

I went on a great date on Sunday. We met for dinner, then went to get coffee, then walked in the rain back to his car, then came back to my apartment to watch "Priest". The movie was okay, but he fell asleep for a bit during it. I talked to him a little on Monday, but haven't heard from him since then. I am not too worried about it, he acted and seemed totally interested the night of our date. I figured I'd wait another day before I panic. I like the guy, so hopefully it'll work out.

I am really looking forward to this weekend. I have three days off in a row! My roommate needs some extra money, so I gave her my Saturday night shift. I have no idea what I am going to do with a Saturday night off. Maybe go out to the gay bar since I haven't been on a Saturday in at least a year. We will see. 

Onward and upward.

Word of the Day: Pass

Quote of the Day: "As it weren't ostentatious enough already."

Homework: How long do you wait to text or call someone you like? How long to do you wait for a text or call from someone you like? What defines "reasonable"?

I have a date tonight that I am really looking forward to. It's with a guy that I have known for several years, but never had the courage to ask out, despite what I thought was a mutual interest. I finally did it, and come to find out, he said he always wanted to ask me, but I made him nervous. I'm expecting it go well, so we shall see.

I take my board tests again on Wednesday. I'm feeling really confident this time around, much more so than last time. I am glad to finally be getting the tests over with.

I started the nicotine patch, and am going on day two of no smoking. It's been a lot easier with the patch, the craving are mild, if I even think about it at all. I made it through a full shift at work without smoking, which was a big worry for me. 

I've lost more weight, I'm fitting into shirts I haven't been able to wear in ages, and I'm working with a trainer twice a week, in addition to my running schedule, three times a week.

All in all, I am moving onward and upward. 

Forces are at work, things are coming together.

Chicago 2012.

Word of the Day: Force

Quote of the Day: "Can't kiss you when you're gone."

Homework: None.

I'm feeling really good lately. I've been praying more. I slacked off for a couple of weeks, but truly it makes my outlook on the day ahead a lot better. I've also been running longer and farther in addition to getting a trainer. I trained with him on Monday morning and threw up twice. It was tough! We did a lot of football exercises. But I am excited to train with him for a few months. I am slowly getting my body back. By the time I move to Chicago, I should look great. 

I went to see Britney in concert again, this time in Indianapolis. My best friend from high school and I drove up a little early and got some dinner and then walked over to the Conseco Fieldhouse. The show itself was awesome. I got to pay a little more attention to it this time, since last time I was busy taking so many pictures and videos of the whole thing. She changed the show a little bit, the stage setup and took one of the songs out, but I still loved the show. 

I got the papers to retake my state board test. I go back in two weeks. I am feeling really good about it. It's one of the things on my list to do before heading to Chicago next year. Speaking of Chicago, I am feeling really good about my plan. I am starting to think bigger, about the big picture, rather than being stuck in this rut I feel like I've been in. I think my future is waiting on me up there. I just have to get to it. I am certain that Chicago will bring me three things: 1.) maturity and life experience, 2.) a career, 3.) love. Yes, I am pulling a Jennifer Hudson response when Carrie Bradshaw asked her why she moved to New York: "I want to fall in love." Now don't get me wrong, that isn't my driving force for moving, but I firmly believe that the opportunities for all aspects of my life are infinite in a new place, let alone a big city. Whether it be someone I already know who meets me there, or someone new, I cannot say. I am confident, however, that the desires of my heart (all of them, not just love) will be met. 

I am heading back to training Friday morning. Hopefully I won't vomit this time. 

I am confident.

Word of the Day: Future

Quote of the Day: "If we touched, it would bring me to life. I can only imagine what it would be like."

Homework: Do you think it's silly to be confident that you will fall in love? Are you setting yourself up for disappointment or does it just mean that you ready?

There is a dreamer in me that hasn't been this rowdy in a while. I am feeling the itch of the big city more than ever before, I think because for the first time I feel like I could actually make it a reality.

I am turning 30 in one year and that is my end date/start date. I am setting into motion a plan that will, within a few days of my 30th birthday, plant me in Chicago. Except for four months in 2000 when I lived in Montana, I have never lived anywhere else. And the longer I wait, the more time that I waste, as Madonna would say.

I have written out a financial plan to give me checkpoints and things to accomplish leading up to my goal. I've taken a look at the job market. I am planning a few trips there to scout out the winter weather and neighborhoods.

I have been craving change and I am going to make it happen. 

I am running further and better that ever. I am really proud of myself. And a month on this strict caloric diet is paying off, too. Changes.

Things are changing. And love is going to catch me.

Word of the Day: Plan

Quote of the Day: "There is only so much you can learn in one place."

Homework: What can you do to change things up? Would you move somewhere new to see what awaits? Also, do you believe love can follow you...or do you believe you follow it?

Today has been a great Sunday. I didn't get home from work until about 3:30, but I got up early, around 9:30. I made some coffee and read the paper and hung around my apartment for a bit watching tv and movies. A really bad storm passed through last night and knocked out 1/3 of the city's power. I decided to go to Target today to get a few things, which ended up being a two hour ordeal because so many street lights were out and streets were closed. Once I got to Target, the entire store was running on emergency power and was lit only by emergency lights, so it was like being in a post-apocalyptic department store. It was really creepy. The line was ridiculous to checkout, and once I got to my car, I realized that the cashier didn't ring me up for a pack of lightbulbs that I got, so I had to go back in and wait so I could pay for them. At least I am honest!

I walked to the coffeeshop near my house and got freshly squeezed lemonade and sat on the patio and listening to a group of teenagers play their guitars and sing. They weren't particularly good, but it just felt so good to sit there. The weather has been so awesome the past few days (despite the storm), it's been perfect for walks. One day I'll have someone to take walks with. I am sure.

It's been a good start to the week.

Word of the Day: Lemonade

Quote of the Day: "I'm burning up for your love."

Homework: None.

I applied for another job. I ran across an ad on Craigslist and quickly put a resume together and sent it in. I haven't heard anything yet, but that's okay. At least I took the first step of applying for something new. Small steps lead to big ones.

I am still craving change. My annoyance with my roommate's habits and her dog have all but reached a fever pitch. I'm going to have to have a talk with her, and I am dreading that. I have been praying that I can do it in a way that doesn't hurt her feelings, but is still serious. Now I just need some courage.

I have been going crazy over a guy. CRAZY. And he lives over 2000 miles (3600 kilometers) away. It's crazy, I know. But I am serious when I say that he has become an obsession. We've talked back and forth for months on our iPhones, but recently we have started using FaceTime and Skype and have talked for HOURS every night this week. I know it sounds so crazy to be crazy about someone you have never even met. But what else can I do? It's crazy, I'm crazy, everything is crazy. 

I have been losing weight from running. I've never really enjoyed running, but for some reason, I am really starting to love it. I have heard that people recovering from addiction should run, and that it helps with the internal chemistry of your body. I guess now I'm starting to see that. And I love that I can tell a difference with how I look and feel. 

I have been on a HUGE Britney Spears spree lately. I haven't loved on of her albums this much since Blackout, or In The Zone. And I am seeing her in concert again in a week and a half. This will be the 6th time seeing her live. I am SO EXCITED!!!

I am looking forward to the next few months. 

Word of the Day: FaceTime

Quote of the Day: "Then we must accept it but if we ever get to feel something really big, deep and pure, I wouldn't want to stay far away from you..."

Homework: Consider destiny/fate. Do you think that everything happens for a reason or do you believe we control it ourselves? What makes you believe what you do? 

Something's gotta give. I need a change. I am so over it.

I believe there should be a special word that is defined as "the type of anger experienced while on your hands and knees cleaning up your roomate's dog's diarrhoea." Also one defined as "the type of anger experience when replacing an empty toilet paper roll with the one your roommate placed on the back of the toilet instead of replacing it his/herself." 

Let me repeat: I. Am. So. Fucking. Over. It. 

I have been on the edge for the past week. It's really getting to me.

Word of the Day: Verge

Quote of the Day: None.

Homework: None.