I don't really have much to write, but I figured I'd do it anyway. I am frustrated today. I am really tired of my job. I work so much and don't make enough money like I used to. 

I need a change. But everything takes so much work. 

A cab driver told me I should move while I am still young. "You are intelligent and young. You should do it, man."

I am holding onto faith that God will give me some direction. Every time I think about the future or change I get anxious, almost to the point of sweating. I can feel myself get hot and my heart begins to race. I wonder what that all means.

I got a new tattoo. It runs along my right shoulder and onto my neck. It's not visible with a collar, but slightly visible with a t-shirt. It says, "This man still lives, and is a free man. He can go anywhere on this earth were other free men may go." It's from the AA book and really stood out to me.

I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow. 

Another weekend at work.

Word of the Day: Change

Quote of the Day: "I just haven't met you yet."

Homework: None.

Well here I sit.

I can't believe July is almost over. It's flown by. I spend the first week of July working like crazy, since my worthless GM was on vacation...again. On the night of the 10th, I hit the road for vacation. I rented a car and drove 13 hours to Dallas. I spent three days and two nights there visiting my friend Scott. I hadn't seen him in over a year, so I was excited to hang out again. He got us tickets to see Britney while I was down there. It was an awesome show and I can't wait to see here again in a month (my 6th time total). After spending time in Dallas, I spent 16+ hours driving straight north to Minneapolis. I was cross-eyed and buckcrazy by the time I got there. I don't suggest driving that far alone and through the night. It's a beast. I did a lot of stuff up north and had a great time. We went to see a play at the world famous Guthrie, went to the orchestra to hear Beethoven's 9th, the Ode to Joy, saw Harry Potter and are at some awesome restaurants. I was gone a week, and on the eigth day, I traveled home and rested.

My birthday was yesterday. Over all, it was a great one. I got to see a lot of familiar faces and spend time with people that were important. I got up early and went to meet some friends for coffee. They had a cinnamon roll with a candle waiting for me when I got there. It was super cute. After that, the cable guy came to finally give us cable. We've had cable the entire time I've lived here, it was just free. But after living without a DVR for a year, I couldn't take it anymore. So, here we are. 

I napped a little, watched the live stream of the iTunes Festival in London on my Apple TV. It was the first time I've ever actually participated in a live stream event thing like that, so I figured the Swedish House Mafia were a good first try. I would have loved to be there. After a little more napping, my roommate took me out to dinner at my favorite restaurant and then we came home and had some cake. She's the best!

I went out last night because one of the big clubs downtown has a gay night once a month, and it just happened to fall on my birthday. I ran into a lot of people I hadn't seen in a really long time. There was one guy who was actually mildly insulting when he offered to buy me a drink for my birthday and I told him I quit drinking. Things like that always speak more about the person who has an issue with not drinking than the person who has already quit. There were a few other guys there that weren't particularly friendly, but almost everyone else was great. It was nice to go out, but I remember what some of the gay people in Louisville are like and that I am not missing much.

Happy 29th birthday to me.

Word of the Day: Birthday

Quote of the Day: "Woo woo!"

Homework: None.

Oh, the irony! Last night we had a Celebrity Rehab theme at work, so all of the bartenders and cocktail servers dressed up as their favorite addicted celebrities. I, of course, was AJ McLean from the Backstreet Boys. It's funny that a recovering alcoholic bartender was dressed as a recovering alcoholic, while tending bar for a rehab-themed night. 

I've been feeling out-of-whack the last week or so. I can't necessarily put my finger on it. I think it's a combination of things. My schedule was all jacked up last week because my general manager and assistant general manager were in New York for the corporate quarterly meetings, so I was working their shifts on my normal days/nights off. Plus it's been kinda slow on the nights that I bartend, so I haven't been making a lot of extra money. Oh well. It will work itself out. 

I am excited to go on vacation in a couple of weeks. It will be good to see some old friends, not to mention seeing Britney in concert and catching the premiere of Harry Potter in another city. I can't wait.

Before work last night, I went to dinner with a close friend of mine to celebrate his birthday. There were several guys there that I hadn't seen in a while. It was nice to hang out with the gays for a bit. I kinda miss doing it on the regular. Did I just use that phrase?

I had a second date with the guy (henceforth referred to as Guy 1) that asked me out while I was at work a few weeks ago. We've texted intermittently since then, but I can't tell if it he's lost interest, or if the "conflicting schedules" excuse is actually legitimate. That seems to be everyone's M.O. with me. I had brunch with another guy (Guy 2) that I have known for a while, but hadn't really spent any one-on-one time with, also. There was a lot of good conversation over text, but that's all but vanished after the actual brunch. (Technically it was breakfast, since we met at the restaurant at like 8am.)

So what am I doing wrong? I guess I should say that with Guy 1, I have enjoyed his company and we seem to get along well. I can't say that I'd be upset if I never talked to him again. Guy 2 seemed interesting enough, a little intimidating. Although I didn't get the feeling that breakfast was a romantic thing, it would have been nice to make a new friend rather than keeping an old acquaintance. So, I guess the disheartening thing about these two isn't that they aren't around, it's how that reflects on me. So, again I ask the universe: what am I doing wrong/what is wrong with me? I can count six people in the last year that I have met that this has happened with. I should clarify that: I have had my interest piqued and subsequently been rebuffed. 

So, again, what is it about me? WHAT. THE FUCK. IS IT?

It seems my world has become compartmentalized into two areas: work and AA. It also seems that those are the two places I fit in the best. It seems that anyone new from the "outside world" that does not fall into one of those categories doesn't end up staying around in my life. Perhaps it's because since I see my coworkers so often, they actually get to know me. And perhaps with AA, since our camaraderie is based on something deeper, they accept me and are genuinely interested in me no matter what. So maybe my flaws are even more visible to people who are outside of those circles. So, where is the issue really? With me or with outsiders? 

As the saying goes, maybe I should stick with what I'm good at, work and sobriety. Perhaps those are the only two social circles I need. Perhaps the real issue is my need to accept my life as it is and make up my mind to be happy with the people who are in it now and go where I am accepted.

But it's such a lingering question! Do I actually have it together or do my interactions with the "outside world" remind me that I don't and that my work/AA bubble has insulated me from seeing it? And how the fuck do I figure out the answer?

My mind is all over the place, if it wasn't clear by all of this.

Where to go from here?

Word of the Day: Fundamental

Quote of the Day: "Serenity, courage, wisdom."

Homework: Decide if any of this makes sense.

Today has been one of those days where nothing has gone right. From the moment I woke up, it was one thing after another, after another. 

I was up until 4am trying to get everything ready for my state board tests this morning in Frankfort. I go out of bed around 6, started getting dressed, and as I was brushing my teeth, the back of one of my lip piercings fell out into the sink and vanished. I kept the front part in for most of the morning, until I reached Frankfort, and then it disappeared during my walk from the car to the testing building. Luckily there was one person I knew from school who was testing as well. Once we got into the room, one of the administrators started walking around and measuring the hair on our mannequins, to make sure that it falls between the 4"-6" range. I cut my mannequin's hair incorrectly and was sent home for it being about 1/4" too long, after two administrators measured my mannequin five times, total. I was given the bad news by a short, Dolly Parton-esque woman who looked up at me and smiled and said, "Sorry!"

During my hour drive back to Louisville, I got stuck in traffic from a bad wreck on the interstate. I sat in the car, in the same spot, from 9am-11am. Yes, two hours. I actually fell asleep in the car. The only thing that woke me up, was someone honking at me because traffic had actually started moving. After sitting for so long, the car was getting dangerously close to running out of gas, so once we got moving again, I took the next exit to go to the gas station. I pulled in and, of course, ALL of the gas pumps were out of service. Well, all of them but diesel. So, I got back on the road and went to the next closest gas station, a few streets over. That one was, of course, closed for construction. Luckily, the third time was a charm, so I was able to fill up. I had to pee so bad because of the coffee I had been drinking all morning and because of the traffic, and as I was using the air dryer in the gas station bathroom, I notice (what I can only assume was) cocaine on top of the dryer. Disgusted, tired, angry and terribly annoyed, I made my way back towards home.

I made three stops before I made it home, all of which took me two hours. First, I picked up some pictures that I had framed, which ended up costing $50 more than I had expected. Then, when I stopped at Qdoba to get lunch, the line was so long, I turned right around and left. Then it was back to the tattoo parlor to get my lip repierced. If you were wondering, four hours is enough time for a two-week old piercing to close up completely. 

I have spent most of the rest of my afternoon sleeping on the couch since I didn't get any sleep last night.

This is the day that didn't stand a chance.

Word of the Day: Clusterfuck

Quote of the Day: "Sorry!"

Homework: None. 

I thought about my sobriety today. I can't believe I haven't had a drink in over a year. That's crazy.

I got asked out on a date Friday night while I was working. He's come in the past couple of weekends. He said, "So when are you not behind the bar?" I said, "Well, I'm usually always off on Sundays and Mondays," to which he replied, "Well... Can I take you out?" 

How sweet is that! I think we're going to dinner tomorrow night. 

Wish me luck.

Based on my experience over the past 15 months of being sober, it seems that the good things I have are undervalued by guys I hang out with. It seems that most gay men prefer someone who: 1.) drinks, 2.) doesn't smoke, 3.) owns a car, 4.) is well-built, 5.) doesn't work weekends. Of course, none of those qualities I meet. 

I being cynical already, expect not to even get a second date. Ha. Oops.

Being in the service industry sucks for a romantic life. Either everyone are drunks, fucking each other, or drama-mongers. And trying to date somone outside of the service industry hates that you work weekends and nights. So, your damned if you do, damned if you don't. Oh well. The best I can do is shrug my shoulders and keep it moving.

Word of the Day: Value

Quote of the Day: "The hope is we have so much to feel good about."

Homework: None.

//:Afterthought://

Wait. I've got this all wrong, right? Why on earth would I let my value be dependent on what others think about my life? That's ridiculous. People will value what they want to value, I can't change what's important to someone else. I am happy (minus not having a car), so what the fuck am I worrying about?

So I was watching Sex and the City last night with my roommate and it got me thinking. It was the episode of Carrie's 35th birthday, where she waited at the restaurant and no one showed up.

I've got just over a year before I turn 30. And it seems that the dating pool diminishes as one's age rises. I got a little worried thinking about it... If I'm not in a relationship now, is it only going to get harder from here?

I continue to have faith that I will meet someone who I end up being in a relationship with. But waiting gets so frustrating sometimes. I have a great life being single. I trust that whomever I do end up dating, whenever he may come along, will fit seemlessly into the life I lead now, the same as I trust I will do in his life.

But do the odds change over time? Or am I perpetuating the "eternal youth" idea that permeates all aspects of our society: that unless you are young, there isn't anything for you. It seems that the straight 40's is the gay 30's. My dating pool in this city is the same as it always has been, right? I mean, the guys that were available around my age in my 20's are the same ones who are still around in my 30's. 

Maybe I'm thinking about this too much. Maybe I should just be confident in the fact that he will come, when it's time, and use that as my peace of mind.

...

In other news, I got my papers back from the state board. I take my tests on June 7th. I'm kind of nervous, but glad it's finally here. I also got new piercings today. Snakebites. They're kinda hot, but I am having trouble parting with my labret piercing, since it was my first. Ah well.

My pool is officially open. I can't wait to take my first dip.

Word of the Day: Odds

Quote of the Day: "Because there was such a clamor for you to give head recently?"

Homework: Do you think the odds of finding a partner go down as your age goes up? Why or why not? Do you believe in a "cut-off" age?

I made a shitload of money over Derby, but it was literally a beast of a week. Mom and Granny were both in the hospital, I shared at my homegroup and I got a new tattoo. Oh, and the man I love said that he would like to date, but he doesn't see it working out with my work schedule. He works days, obviously I work nights and weekends. He said, "If I'm going to do this, I want someone I can spend more time with."

On one hand I totally get it. I have a shitty schedule. My personal life and social life suffer because of it. I have enough trouble trying to see my friends. On the other hand, however, if you like someone as much as he says he likes me, wouldn't you commit to seeing them as when you could?

I briefly considered quitting my job. It sounds ridiculous, but is it really? I've seen tons of tv shows and movies that preach "love above all else" or place their teo romantically entangled leads in a precarious "get-on-the-plane-and-choose-your-job-over-me-or-stay-and-be-poor-but-at-least-we-have-love" type of situation. (But with my situation, we aren't talking about leaving the city.) I believe that if I like you and you like me, we can make a commitment to each other and spend time together when we can, but obviously we have seperate, individual lives. But the commitment is the backbone..

I've never been in a situation where there was this much attraction and chemistry between two people and they didn't date. Of course I've liked people more than they've liked me, but that isn't the issue here.

I hate it.

This is what I believe:

I believe that love should be more powerful than anything else. I believe that when two people love each other, love comes first and the details will get worked out later or work themselves out. I believe that schedules, timeframes, work, clubs are details that get worked out after two people say they love each other and want to be together. I believe the time spent with the one you love is precious, no matter how short or how long. I believe you make time for what is important and make time for those that you love. I believe I am a better man today that I was yesterday. I believe I deserve a man who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them. I believe love overlooks crappy schedules and minute details and accepts things completely. I believe that sex, in whatever form, is one way I express my love. I believe the Bible could put it better than I ever could:  

1 Corinthians 13:1-13 - Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

That verse hits me hard.

Word of the Day: Schedule

Quote of the Day: "Dork. What will you do with it that you can't do on your computer?" "Look cool in public. And lay in my bed and play."

Homework: Is a schedule really that important? Why or why not? What do you believe about love?

So another Derby has come and gone. I must say that it was very lucrative and well worth the hard work I put in. I am still tired today from it all.

Short entry. I have a lot to write about, but no energy to do it. 

I got a new tattoo yesterday. The best one yet.

And my heart is heavy.

So, imagine two warriors. One, a meek and happy man, steadfast is his resolve, who may not have the trappings of a typical warrior, but stands fast in his ideas and beliefs. He is determined. He is human, in every sense of the word. The other warrior is a contemptible foe, surreptitious in his ways, and a thing of a thousand faces. He blends in quite well, often hiding among the good, but subversive in his means. He has the ability to change shape and is hard to spot. He is constant. Crushed one minute, springing up under a different guise the next. Despite his nefarious nature, in his wake he often leaves change, sometimes good, sometimes irreparably bad. He is a mighty foe. Some have grown so attached to his whispers, they have become crippled to any other way; it seems overwhelming to even think about life a different way. But to those who are willing to keep a wary eye out, this enemy is but another step to great things. This battle is constant, an unceasing war. It doesn't end, it only gets easier to fight.

And so it is with me. 

I finally sent in my paperwork to take my state board tests. I've have been out of school for almost four months now. And for four months the fear has been crippling, taking the form of a thousand excuses of why I wasn't doing anything with the education I had just received. But I finally did it. I can't get anywhere if I'm not moving at all. I'm waiting to get a letter back from the Capitol for a date to take my tests, and then I'll be off and running. (Haha. The horse racing term is appropriate considering the time of year, here in Louisville, KY.) It feels good to have finally taken that step. A little self-confidence arrived as soon as the letter fell from my hand into the mailbox. Now the studying begins. And plans for the future begin to take shape on the foundation that has already be set.

Wish me luck.

Word of the Day: Fear

Quote of the Day: "Nothing lasts forever and a feeling has never killed me."

Homework: What shape does fear take in your life? Think of the things that fear has kept you from. Do you think a battle with fear is always a good-versus-evil type of thing? Why or why not?

(Hand written entry.)

I realized this week that I don't really have any male friends. As I'm writing this my brain is working far faster than my hand, so I'm hoping that I can get it all out on paper. That usually proves to be (at least) as cathartic as telling someone.

The two close guy friends I had are making a swift exit, it seems. I work with on and we used to get lunch through the week and hang out outside of work. He started dating a girl in a city about 60 miles away and, in turn, has totally turned into "that guy". You know, the one that engrosses himself in his relationship and forgets that he ever had a life before. Yeah, that one. And now he's up and moving there in several weeks and quitting work. Ouch. Now I don't want anything to do with him. The other is someone I've know for years, and one of the few gay men I actually make an effort to be friends with. For whatever reason, he's gone completely flaky over the last two months. He either won't commit to plans or cancels on me right before we're supposed to meet up. 

All of this leads me to two questions, questions that possibly solve some personal mysteries. The first is: does my dad have anything to do with this? He up and left my family after 28 years. So perhaps, as a child would gain this complex in theis same situation, I keep males away as a preemptive strike against the pain of them leaving on their own. The devastation I've felt as an adult dealing with my dad's departure could certainly have affecgted me in more ways than I have realized. Maybe, since I don't want anything to do with friend #1 so I can isolate my hurt and not acknowledge it. 

This leads to my other question. In the absence of male friends and father, am I seeking in a boyfriend the things that only those roles can fill? The desire for a relationship is something I think about often. I don't actively seek one out, but I often find myself preoccupied with the thought of a faceless, nondescript boyfriend. But it comes and goes. There will be weeks when I think about it a lot, then several weeks when I don't. 

So if a+b=c, maybe c = working on getting a good circle of male friends first. Being more active in AA is expanding my social circle with people I actually care about and feel good about hanging out with. So I'll just give it some time. 

Maybe I'm reading too much into things, as I usually do.

I love getting my thoughts out on paper.

Word of the Day: Replacement

Quote of the Day: "We have found much of heaven..."

Homework: Is there anything missing in your life that you use substitutes to fill? Do you think the substitutions are justified? Why or why not?