So I celebrated my year of sobriety. It seems weird to think about how different things were a year ago. My mental state, my emotional state, my spiritual state. All of those things were so different such a short time ago. It was such a daunting thought, then, to stay sober for a week, let alone a year. But here I am. I am a better man today.

Work is going great, which is awesome to say. Things have gotten a lot better, business is wonderful, and things just keep on rolling. We've got out Derby schedules finished, so it looks like I'll be working about 50 hours that week, at least on paper it looks that way. I have no doubt it'll be more. Friday and Saturday of that week, the bars here in Louisville will stay open until 6am, so I'll be putting in about 16 hours on each of those days alone. But I can't wait! I LOVE working myself to exhaustion, going non-stop. I am being completely serious. The money is going to be ridiculous, people are going to be everywhere, and it's going to be a blast.

The cold snap were in the middle of is starting to fade away, thankfully. It always gets cold here for a few days when the dogwood trees bloom, but this cold spell seemed to last a little longer than normal. It'll be back to the 60's and 70's this weekend.

I have been listening to so much good music lately. The Swedish House Mafia album, Underground Disco, Fedde le Grande... The list could go on. I am finding myself exploring music more that I remember ever doing. And I'm discovering a lot of stuff that I really like. 

Anyway. Nothing much else to report. 

Word of the Day: Faith

Quote of the Day: "Faith has to work twenty-four hours a day in and through us, or we perish."

Homework: None.

(Another hand written entry.)

I'm in a funky mood. I get this way from time to time. I think wistful is too strong a word. I guess pensive is the word I'm looking for.

I was lonesome tonight. I don't feel that way very often. I tend to believe that if you dislike being alone, you dislike yourself. I think that being comfortable being by yourself is a good sign you are comfortable with yourself. But tonight was one of those nights.

I got home and stepped out onto my balcony. It is certainly one of thje most beautiful night nights in a while. The smell of the blooming dogwoods is strong and there is a gentle, warm breese that blows occasionally, if only just to remind you that it's there. It would have been the perfect evening to take a walk. But I didn't want to go alone. I should have gone anyway, just to remind myself of my own lone security. I sat on the couch instead.I watched an episode of Glee which did nothing to quell my lonesomeness: it was all about love and sex.

I made some hot tea and opened the French doors to my balcony, laid on the floor and opened my journal. I am listening to Sarah McLachlan's Laws of Illusion.

I frequently get caught in the romance of things. And, honestly, sometimes I feel like the only one. And I wonder if I'll find someone who can appreciate the romance I see. Here are a few of the things that hold some sort of romanticism for me: a French press, taking a walk, boiling water for tea in a kettle, gas stoves, going to the grocery, reading the Sunday paper, writing on paper, sleeping with the windows open, barbershops, bourbon, going to an ice cream parlor, fine dining, plays, the orchestra, dance music.

I could go on. I love doing those things by myself.

But sometimes I want someone there with me.

Word of the Day: Pensive

Quote of the Day: "Heartbreak, no you can't catch me. Hot on my heels, but I move too fast."

Homework: Do you like being alone? Do you agree or disagree that being alone is a sign of an inner comfortability with yourself?

I feel like I'm starting to get very cynical. And I feel like I've started not believing what people say, and instead, coming up with my own reason as to why they acted (or didn't act in some cases) the way they did or said the things they said. I know this is ultimately my problem, not theirs, so I guess my only option is to fix myself...as usual. Sometimes it's so frustrating to always be the one willing to change when no one else seems to be. Anyway, I need to start trusting people again. Pronto. It hasn't really happened because of one thing, but a rather a series of things: my old roommate dicking me around, my best friend flaking out on a lot of stuff lately, people not holding up appointments, work, et cetera. So I can actually feel myself getting really protective of myself and my things, because all of this over the last few weeks has affected me. 

I may not be making sense or explaining it properly here, so I apologize if I do. I'll have to talk to my sponsor about it.

This past weekend was a great one for sure. I was off on Friday night and I didn't do anything but sit on my couch. Saturday morning I woke up and (after a week of planning) made French toast. I LOVE French toast. I used Cinnabon cinnamon bread, which was a great choice. I also made a bourbon blackberry maple syrup, which would make you weep. I heated up the syrup until it was almost boiling, then dropped in a small carton of blackberries. After that I reduced some Four Roses Yellow Label bourbon down and added it to the syrup, and then let it rest for about 30 minutes. I strained the syrup after that. If you haven't cooked with bourbon (or any liquor), it's definitely an experience. I try to use bourbon for cooking when I can. You can definitely taste the oakiness of the bourbon in the syrup. It's awesome.

I spent almost $140 on music the other day. Back in the day, iTunes had an option to add music to a wish list or shopping cart or something. So I had amassed a collection of music that I wanted but once the format of iTunes changed several versions ago, the wish list kind of got hidden among all the new features. So finally, I said fuck it and purchased it all. I'm still, a week later, trying to go through and listen to everything and rate it.

I am finding myself becoming more and more obsessive about three things: 1.) Coffee, B.) Tea, III.) My music library. 

I need to make some sense out of all of this!

Word of the Day: Trust

Quote of the Day: "Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future."

Homework: Do you think you are cynical? Why or why not? Do you think it's fair to assume everyone is untrustworthy because of the mistake of a few? Do you even see cynicism that way? Why or why not?

Well, the die has been cast. It is no longer in my hands and I have to done all that I can do. 

I wrote an email to corporate explaining all of the things that were going wrong with the restaurant. The regional director was here two days later. Although the day of meetings seemed to go well, I still have some doubts. Mostly because after it was all said and done, my general manager cornered my assistant manager in the back hallway and told her that everything was her fault and that there was actually nothing wrong.

The actual chain of events that let us to this point would be far too difficult to write out, but I can (basically) sum it all up with this: the general manager pushes his responsibilites onto everyone else, and everyone else is expected to clean up or take responsibility for decisions/actions that were not ours. So I finally wrote an email explaining this after I almost walked-out on Tuesday night. 

I'm thinking of where I go from here. I'm got two options: accept that I've tried to help in every way that I can and just suck it up, or accept that I've tried to help in every way that I can and move on along. So, I'm beginning to formulate a plan if I do decide to move along. I've given myself a time frame, so we'll see what happens.

Madison finally got the last of her stuff, so the apartment looks amazing now.

And tonight I'm going to see Les Miserables with my mom and aunt.

I don't feel like writing much today.

Word of the Day: Wonder

Quote of the Day: "It's you I dance for."

Homework: None.

(This is another hand-written entry.)

There is something a little more relaxing about laying bed and putting pen to paper. I guess because you can't get this comfortable using a computer.

Today was a great day. Since I didn't have to bartend this weekend, I actually got to bed at a decent hour. I got up this morning at 9:00, made a French press and sat on the couch and read the Sunday paper. It took me a while to get through it and after I got done I cleaned.

Cleaning started out as a small project and then quickly escalated from there, and before I knew it, it was almost 6pm. I got a lot of cleaning accomplished and got a lot of stuff put away. Everything will look normal again once Madison picks up the last of her stuff and Betsy gets the last of her stuff put away and into storage. This massive apartment is really feeling like home, more than it has previously. I think it's because I've taken more ownership of it since Betsy has moved in, actually decorating as a team effort, rather than moving into an already decorated apartment. It's ironic that although I wasn't the one moving, I stressed out about it way more than my old or new roommate ever did. Everything was just so last minute, and it almost drove me batshit crazy.

I've been growing a lot over the last couple of weeks. I think it's just getting a clearer picture of life and what's happening, and it's all being born from stress. But that's supposed to happen, right? I could make a list of all the things I don't like in life right now, but it wouldn't do any good. The things I want to accomplish I have been redirected towards. I am solely responsible for the actions I take to change the things that make me unhappy.

I will be sober for one year on March 28.

I have never felt this good.

I wrote that late last night, around 2:00am. To explain a little: I always bartend on Friday and Saturday nights after I get done serving. I got in trouble the weekend before this one, so I didn't bartend this weekend. We were super busy the weekend I got in trouble, and after the computers crashed, I had a guy who kept calling me a dick. So I pointed at him and said "If you come back to this end of the bar, I will have you thrown out." So, naturally, I ended up getting in trouble. Whatever. At least I got my late nights off for once. 

Madison has waited so long to pick up the rest of her stuff, that I ended up stacking it all by the front door. It's been so frustrating. But it's almost all done!

I am going to see Les Miserables this Friday with my mom and my friend Nick. And the Sarah McLachlan concert is on Sunday, and Avenue Q is next month. I can't wait!

Word of the Day: Before

Quote of the Day: "You can't go back and change it."

Homework: None.

On March 30, I will be one year sober. Most of me is completely shocked that I've made it an entire year. On the other hand, I knew I could make it this far.

I have been thinking about a lot of things lately. I have had this strong desire to trace my family tree back. Don't ask me why, I am not sure. I just know I've had this strong feeling of wanting to know where I come from. That doesn't sound too cinematic, does it? I don't want to come across like some angsty boy who's looking for meaning in life through finding his roots. I just think I'm a little fascinated with my history after coming across the origins of my last name in Ireland and getting the motto tattooed on me. 

This past weekend, I took my roommate and my best friend to see Mamma Mia! since it was touring again this year. I went to see it with my mom last year, so when I found out that it was coming back, I bought tickets as soon as they went on sale and ended up getting second row. It was a lot of fun and the show was great. I also got first row tickets to see Avenue Q. It's not coming back to Louisville, so I had to get tickets to the show in Paducah, about two hours away. That was the closest show to Louisville. I don't know if they will continue touring through the summer, so maybe they will come back to Louisville, but I have been waiting for three years for it to return. It is easily one of my favorite shows ever. 

I got an email on Facebook the other day from a gay guy who had just started coming to AA. He got my name from another guy who told him to email me. Us gays seem to be a few and far between here in Louisville's AA, so we all have to support each other. I can remember how I would get discouraged sometimes by the fact that there doesn't seem to be many gay sober people my age. It's also discouraging to look through Facebook and see just how many of the fellow gays in the community always mention going out or getting drunk or waking up with a hangover. It sucks. 

Remember the prayer that I mentioned a few entries ago? Well, I've made a point to say it whenever it's come to mind. And it seems to be working. Not that I was really preoccupied with the desire to want a relationship, but I would definitely think about it a lot. I can confidently say that I am susceptible to falling for the wrong people because I haven't yet completely reined in my emotions. But it's getting better.

There is mega-drama happening at work. I wish I could go into it here, but I cannot, for legal reasons. And Madison is moving out this weekend and Betsy is moving in. I'll be glad when this weekend is over. I want to relax again!

That is all.

Word of the Day: New

Quote of the Day: "Can we make what lies ahead of us a better place to be?"

Homework: None.

I was a little disappointed by Britney's new video. Not only was it really bizarre and not make any sense to me, I guess I guess I should give up hope that she'll ever dance like she used to. Such is life, I guess. 

I got two more tattoos on Wednesday. Along my back left calf, and at the top of my right thigh on the side. The thigh was the first one done. It says "Deo Fidelis et Regi" which is the motto from my family crest in Ireland. It translates "Faithful to God and King". It's in a pretty cool Old English-esque script. The one of my calf is the first seven qualities from The Prayer of St. Francis: Peace, love, pardon, faith, hope, light, joy. The one of my calf hurt like a BITCH and bled like a mofo. I'll have to remember that for next time. I love them! 

I am having a really stressful time at work. It's totally wearing me thin lately. I really want to find a new job.

Oh, and I heard an interesting prayer from someone else in A.A. It says "God, let me find in you want I am looking for in him." I know not everyone will agree with that, but for me, it is something that I've been teaching myself to say throughout the day. Everything else I have prayed for has worked. And what have I got to lose?

I am getting really lonely. And I hate it.

Word of the Day: Mark

Quote of the Day: "You're looking good, just like a snake in the grass."

Homework: None.

I get it. Lady Gaga is a superstar. She's a celebrity voice for gay rights. But I don't understand these people who live and die by Gaga. I really like her new song, though.

I've been kind of cranky the last few days. It's mostly work. Sometimes I get so miserable when I'm there. It's mostly upper management. At my AA meetings on Wednesday night, I hear a lot of people talk about "pause before reaction". We talk a lot in AA about the fact that our most important purpose is to be of service, in whatever way we can. And in order to be of service and be open to God's will, sometimes you have to act completely opposite of the way you feel. If you I am pissed off and shut off emotionally to the world around me, that stops me from be compassionate and understanding, which in turn prevents me from being of service. So it's true, sometimes you have to fake it 'til you make it. So I've been trying to practice that a lot this week. The focus is progress, not perfection.

I was informed at work that they want to start training me for assistant general manager. I am grateful that they can see me as one of two that have the potential to step up. I don't think I'm going to take the position, though. I already manage two shifts a week, I serve 4 shifts and bartend 2 shifts. I am pretty happy where I am right now. I don't really want the extra workload that would come with upper management. Plus I don't want a career in restaurants. I LOVE some aspects of my job, but it's not really where my heart is. My personal list of sacrifices for my job is outweighing the pros, as it has for some time. I want to do hair. More specifically, I want to be a barber. It may sound ridiculous, but that's what I want to do. And I will be miserable if I don't get to.

It's hard for me to make promises to myself. I think because it means a.) I'll be leaving my comfort zone, b.) I will have to do more work to follow through with whatever it is I have promised myself, c.) the feelings of discouragement if I don't actually follow through. But really, if I actually do a, b will get accomplished and cancel out c. I want to promise myself that this will be the last Derby I work as a server. And I want to be out of restaurants completely by the time I'm 30. But in order for me to do that, I have got to save a lot of money, and pursue the career that I want. Maybe I'll have to suffer a little while longer with the schedule that I have. Maybe I'll have to hold out a little longer on not having any sort of social life. And maybe that's okay. I guess I just need to set my mind to it, accept it fully and move along.

Valentine's Day is right around the corner. I will have been single for three years this summer. THREE YEARS. I am hoping that what Kurt said in this week's episode of Glee is true: "To all the singles out there: this is our year." This is all very typical for me anyway, single for an extended period then a relationship for a while. 

The extended forecast shows a warm-up coming. And one that looks like it will stick around. Thank God. Maybe this ridiculous winter has had an effect on me.

Word of the Day: Future

Quote of the Day: "I was born this way."

Homework: Consider your goals and your future. Do you think that accomplishing your goals should be easy? Why or why not? Are you willing to work towards your goals if it is not? 

B. finally got a hold of me. He just stopped calling three weeks ago. To make a long story short, he said he didn't want anything serious and me not having a car was tough since we live about 25 minutes apart. Fair enough. Oh, and he said he was sorry for not handling the situation properly. I can't fault him for finally being honest. If he's doing what's best for him, then I can't be mad, even if it's not what I want to hear. Because aren't I trying to do the same thing: what's best for me?

The clock is ticking for my roommate and I. I am sad about it! She's moving March 1 to her grandma's. She's stay there for a few months and then it's off to Miami. I'm really excited for her because I know she wants it. So, one of the neighbor girls is moving in. it's strange. Of the 5 apartments in our building, 3 of them are rented by people who work for the same company as me. But that is dropping to two. Sadly. 

I need to start planning some trips. I need to go visit my friend Scott in Dallas. And my friend Nick and I had talked about going to Mexico. And I got some catalogues for backpacking out west. And I have to meet up with Tait in Chicago for Market Days, which I think is in August or September. Let's hope that I am blessed enough to do all of that.

Word of the Day: Move

Quote of the Day: "I'll show you a nipple."

Homework: None.

(This entry was hand written on paper. My laptop passed away, so I wrote two entries down while I waited to get a new computer.)

In absence of my computer (it decided to do the exact same thing I got it repaired for six months ago), I am hand writing this. Do people do this anymore? I hope to copy this onto my blog at some point, either when I get my laptop fixed or get a new computer.

I don't think I've written like this since the days when I would lay in bed after coming down from a days-long meth binge. I would write illegible rambling until finally passing out, exhausted, only to wake up hours later, face-first in my notebook with ink on my face and a page full of scribbles. I have since lost the two 5-subject notebooks that I would write in. Perhaps that's best, although sometimes I wish I could read them now just to see the severity of my drug addiction and the psychoses that came along with it.

I have finished my 12 Steps of AA. Though I've worked through all 12, the work, both internally and externally, still continues. It's weird that I actually have the ability to think things through now and identify character flaws in myself. One crippling thing about alcoholics is our complete lack of self-control and discipline. So much good can come from those two things. I'm learning that i have a desperate need to control my surroundings, be it people, places, or things. Believe me when I say trying to actually let go of control is not easy. At least not for me. But it's something I'm trying to practice as much as I can. Especially over the last month.

I had been hanging out with someone for a couple of weeks and then he just stopped calling. I thought everything was running smoothly, so it was a complete mindfuck for me. I think it bothered me way more than it should have, but trying to date as a sober person is so unfmailiar to me, so I think I'm still a little like an emotional loose cannon in that area. Again, self-control. It didn't help that he kept turning it around on me when he started playing games, saying that I should have called him (despite him telling me he'd call so we could hang out.) It was a learning experience for me, so perhaps that's what it was meant to be all along.

I don't really like to chase after guys. I deserve someone who is as equally interested in me as I am them.

Word of the Day: Learn

Quote of the Day: "It's the sound of letting go."

Homework: Do you think you exercise self-contol in your life? Do you try to control too many things in your life? Why or why not?