I am fairly certain that 2010 was preparation for me.

I am also fairly certain that 2011 will be the year that I become the fully-expressed man that I am. Kind of like a barrel of bourbon that's ready to bottle.

(Is it weird that as a recovering alcohol I would choose a liquor reference? Or is it just more proof of my addiction?)

I am excited about it.

Very excited.

I was ready to quit my job two weeks ago. I'm not sure exactly why I spun off into another dimension of frustration, but ultimately it all boiled down to me feeling like I'm the only one who gives a shit. More precisely, the things I care about, no one else does. It's like everyone at work is only out for themselves and won't do anything to help their fellows. The funny thing is that it coincided with me reading about Step 10 and making a conscious effort to take a constant internal check on myself and my emotions. In one of the AA books, it says that emotional hangovers can hurt as much as a regular hangover. So being more cognicent of your emotions and outbursts can be very beneficial. Restraint of tongue and pen can prove to be valuable.

Anyway, so it seemed that as soon as I actually started making an effort to keep myself in check better, all these little things started picking at me and driving me to the brink of insanity. Of course. Isn't that the way it always works out? It took me about three weeks, multiple conversations with my sponsor and my roommate, and a lot of thinking to get myself out of my mood. My roommate said that a good thing to remember about change is that the more you change and grow, the more you realize that not everyone else is, and that part of growing is knowing how to deal with that. Sage advice. And my sponsor told me to keep things simple. Do my job to the best of my ability, be responsible for the things that I can control, and let the chips fall where they may. More good advice.

All of this leads back to one of my most crippling faults: my occasionally crippling self-righteous attitude. But at least I can actually see it now, and check myself. More than I could say months ago.

A girl at school told me I was too nice. What a compliment.

19 days left. I'm almost there.

Word of the Day: Firework

Quote of the Day: "I shouldn't feel this good on four hours of sleep."

Homework: What are your emotional roadblocks? Are they justified? Why or why not?

The free space on my iPhone is quickly approaching zero. When I bought the 32GB 3GS one year ago, I assumed that it would be more than enough to hold everything. My, how much music one can acquire in one year. Not to mention all the photos, videos and apps. But with a 29.33GB of actual available space, 23.4GB of music, 2.6GB of video, and about 5GB of apps, phots and the iOS, I've barely got anything left. I've toyed with idea of buying an actual iPod, but why carry around something else. Hopefully next June, if Apple sticks to their release schedule, I'll be the proud owner of a new 64GB iPhone. (If they even make one.) I've got my fingers crossed.

I am looking forward to a nice relaxing week. School tomorrow, my usual Wednesday stuff after that, then Thanksgiving and Black Friday shopping. Since I haven't been shopping on that day before, I am not exactly sure what to expect. The plan is to avoid the obvious places, but Sears and Target are seeming like obvious choices at this point. I'm thinking that it will be completely insane no matter where I go, that any store I think that no one will be at, 1,000 other people have already thought about. We'll see how it goes. There are only two things that I am looking for: a new computer and a tv. It will most likely be one or the other, but should I run across great deals on both, I am not opposed to making an extra purchase.

I had my one-on-one meeting with my DUI counselor today. We have five total, in addition to my weekly Wednesday night classes, and after today I have three one-on-ones left. It went well today, I think he actually believes that I'm sober now. He should. I was eight months sober yesterday.

I've started Steps 10 and 11, taking a constant inventory of yourself and keeping in constant contact with my higher power. I really liked what I read about in the 12 & 12 about Step 10, monitoring my emotions, actions and thinking and being able to promptly admit when I have done wrong. I've thought a lot about that the past week, and interestingly been finding myself catching my own flaws. I take solace in the fact that the point is progress, not perfection.

Thanksgiving this year will be spent at my aunt's house. Most of my extended family will be there, which I am totally looking forward to. Christmas is still a mystery to me since my mom has mentioned that she might not go to Disneyworld with my brother and his family. She had said she was going, and I'm slightly frustrated that she may not be. She was deeply bothered by the fact that I wasn't going, and though she hasn't said so, I have a suspicion that she may stay just so I'll have something to do on Christmas day. I don't care one way or the other, I've got extended family and friends and such that I know I could hang out with. I think it would do her well to go with my brother and do something different. Heaven knows that if I didn't have school for most of the time they would be gone, I would be right there with them. I just can't drag school out any longer than I already have. Ugh.

I need some dinner.

Word of the Day: Mantainence

Quote of the Day: "I think you would be great at it."

Homework: None.

This has been the week of fatigued responsibility. And it's only Wednesday.

I skipped school Monday and Tuesday. I was so tired. And I literally slept the whole time. Well, the whole time I wasn't at work. And tonight I skipped my DUI class and my AA meetings. I've been in a mood this week. I'm not sure why I'm feeling so funky. 

I got home from school, took a shower, took a razor to my hair, and then played on the computer for a bit. I ordered a pizza and fell asleep on the couch shortly after eating some of it. I woke up and decided to make some hot tea and write. 

The strange thing is that I am feeling almost exactly like I did when I was in the throws of my two-month alcohol induced absenteeism at school. Same exact excuse, only this time it's legit: I'm exhausted. And working my ass off. I can remember telling my advisor at school that I was feeling overwhelmed and didn't feel like coming to school because I was so tired. That was true to an extent, but what would have been more truthful would have been to say that I was spending every dollar I made the night before at work drinking myself into a blackout and sleeping until I had to get up for work the next day or throw up or pee. Sometimes I didn't even get up for the last two. But seriously, I'm totally feeling the same feelings of dread about going to school this week as I felt when I was going through all that, but this time I am not sure where they are stemming from. 

Was it the conversation I had with my manager? Was it actual lack of sleep? Am I sabotaging myself because I haven't actually admitted how terrified of getting out of school I am and having to find a salon job? Perhaps it's just apathy, plain and simple. 

I need to get it figured out. I hate feeling like this.

And my 10-Year high school reunion is in three weeks. 

What the fuck. Seriously.

Word of the Day: Buzz

Quote of the Day: "Put your hands up."

Homework: None.

I had an interesting conversation with my general manager on Sunday morning, around 5am, when we were finishing up at work. He said, "You're at the age where you need to figure out what your number is." 

He went on to explain that everyone has their own number they work towards. The amount of money they are comfortable with when they stop moving up. It totally threw me for a loop and I haven't been able to get those words out of my head. It made me wonder just what, exactly, I am doing. I mean, why am I taking promotions at work, taking on a huge workload, when I am in hair school. Because something is going to have to break before I break under the pressure.

I skipped school today. I worked from 5pm until 5am on Saturday, then 12pm until 12am on Sunday. So I slept until about 4pm today. I was exhausted. So now that work has increased, school is suffering. And they won't cut you a break for anything at school. It's so ridiculous. I got called today by a teacher and I'm sure I'll get talked to tomorrow. It's so frustrating. 

But I'm totally freaking out, because I feel like I've started this path into restaurant management, but I'm in hair school, so what the fuck am I doing there? 

Ugh. 

I just want to be done with these last 2 months. 2 months. 8 weeks. And I'm done. 

Word of the Day: Number

Quote of the Day: "How long must I wait till I see your smile?"

Homework: Decide whether you have a number. Do you think everyone does? Why or why not? Compare and contrast the benefits and risks of having a number.

Yesterday was one of those days that started out really crappy, got crappier in the middle, then ended up being awesome at the end.

I got up for school. The girl that I always ride with, Megan, was graduating that day. I got her a Snuggie and some perfume. We had some severe weather in the area and spent about a half hour in the hallways at school because of a tornado warning. After the all clear sounded, I had a haircut to do, and I left shortly after that and took a desperately needed nap.

At 5:30, I went to dinner with my roommate and a guy from work, before going to see Dracula on stage at Actors Theatre. It's in its sixteenth consecutive season, and has become a Louisville tradition. I hadn't seen it in several years, but it was just as good as I remember. The theater that this production is in is much like an ampitheater, however the seats surround the entire stage, so some of the acting goes on in the audience and totally adds a creepy level to the play.

Spending the evening with my roommate was fun. Nate and I had gone to Actors together a little over a week ago to see The Mystery of Irma Vep. I had such a wonderful night with him then, and last night was just as fun. It's such a shame that he is straight. He's muscular, funny, makes great conversation...he'd make a spectacular boyfriend.

Anyway... We got home around 10:30 and Madison (my roommate) said that she was in the mood for hot chocolate. We headed down to the car and went to the store to get all of the stuff we needed, and I made some bitchin' hot chocolate on the stove. We stayed up late and watched The Exorcism of Emily Rose and then an episode of Ghost Adventures. I hadn't seen the movie before, and although I found it really creepy, I liked it a lot. Ghost Adventures is pretty good, but the lead guy on it is such a complete toolbox douchebag. (Yes, there are levels of being a tool: 1. tool; 2. toolbox; 3. toolbelt; 4. toolshed.) He's one of the muscular guys that wear baggy jeans, Affliction t-shirts and has a douchey haircut. 

After that I went to bed and slept for 10 hours. I stayed home from school today to catch up on my sleep and do laundry. I've got my alcohol class and meetings tonight.

I ordered a second Halloween costume. I think this will be the first Halloween ever that I've had more than one costume. I believe I've already mentioned that I'll be the Mad Hatter for work on Saturday. That costume is all put together, including the orange fingernail polish and three-inch platform shoes. The other costume is from Bruno. More specifically, the one he wore on the movie poster. Yeah, the yellow one. I can wait to get it! I'm hoping we end up at the gay bar after the party. It would be the first time I've been there in...a year?

I'm going to take another nap. 

Word of the Day: Rest

Quote of the Day: "Oh my god. Look at her hair. It's dino-chic!"

Homework: None.

I started my ninth step last night. I have been sitting on it for a while, but I finally went into action. The ninth step is all about making amends to people you have hurt. As Step 8 and 9 say in the Big Book: "Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." My brother and sister-in-law were the first ones I contacted. It went better than I expected. I have several people to get in contact with. The idea is that when I rid myself of the burden of wrongdoings and guilt, I will have one less reason to drink and use. Plus it is an "esteemable act" and builds character.

I am feeling a little bit more involved in AA. I was frustrated for a while, feeling like I was still an outsider. But I wasn't really making an effort. I am making more friends and becoming a little more visible. 

Work has become a little more of a headache recently. I got a quasi-promotion, managing two shifts a week and becoming in charge of sales building on Thursday nights. That's the part that is stressing me out the most. I've literally got hundreds of emails, phone calls and people to contact in hopes of getting people involved in our newest promotion. And on Sunday nights, I am going to have to promote our event for stylists and salons. It's a lot of work to add into the mix of my already tight schedule. I welcome the responsibility at work. Who knows where it will lead.

I had a lunch date on Saturday. It's a guy that I've known of for a while, just never had the balls to say anything, too. I finally emailed him on Facebook which culminated in lunch. He seems to be a good guy, a few years older than me. I'm starting to realize that the desire to be in a relationship is directly proportionate to the reality of not being able to be in one. As much as I want one makes me realize just how hard it would be to have one. I honestly don't have the time to devote to a person to be the kind of partner I want to be. Obviously I could casually date and not really get into anything too serious with anyone, but like I've said a thousand times, I am not the type to casually date. So I think I am beginning to accept the way things have to be now, but I am SO looking forward to having more free time once I am done with school.

Speaking of, I seem to have found a second wind at school. Or perhaps it's a renewed passion. I'm not sure exactly, but for the past few weeks, I had been so frustrated with school and as way of dealing with that frustration, I just didn't do anything while I was there. But over the last two weeks or so, I have been making a better effort at getting my stuff done while I'm there, taking more clients and...becoming more visible. 

Interesting that in the three main areas of my life (AA, work, school), the common theme has been effort. I hadn't noticed it until now, after putting it all into words. Generally speaking, the more effort I put into something, the more it grows. 

It's so funny all the things that seem so new in sobriety. 

Word of the Day: Effort

Quote of the Day: "I was always the coolest one in the room. Well, that's debatable."

Homework: Think about things that aren't going as well as they could be for you. Are you putting in any effort? Do you think more effort on your part would do any good? Why or why not? Compare and contrast more effort and no effort.

Well, I haven't had a weekend this long since I stopped doing crystal meth. I have literally worked 40 hours in three days. I will be having a little time off in the next 7 days, though, and doing some fun things. 

My schedule typically looks like this: 

Monday: School 9-4:30; Work 5-11

Tuesday: School 9-4:30

Wednesday: School 9-4:30; DUI Class 5:30-7; AA Meeting 7:30-8:30; AA Meeting 10-11

Thursday: School 9-4:30; Work 5-11

Friday: School 9-4:30; Work 5-4am

Saturday: Work 5-5am

Sunday: Work 12-?

As you can see, my free time is lacking and is Tuesday nights, Saturday mornings and Sunday nights, depending on what's happening at work. For instance, I worked from 12pm to 2am this past Sunday. Saturday mornings I usually catch up on my sleep since Fridays are an almost 24-hour day for me. Sunday nights I am usually falling asleep on my way home from lack of sleep from Saturday night, and try to be in bed early for school the next morning.

It's exhausting. I am literally counting the days until I graduate school. At least then I can have some free time before I take my state board exams.

Like I said, though, I am going to the theater twice in the next week. First is "The Mystery of Irma Vep" on Thursday, then next Tuesday, I'll be seeing "Dracula". It'll be nice to do something other than work.

I met another gay in AA. Well, I knew of one already, but that had been it until last week. We hung out together in between meetings and got some coffee. He's super cute. Since I have yet to ask anyone to the play on Thursday, so I may ask him on Wednesday. I hate get anything started with anyone, since I don't have much time. Plus not being able to legally drive isn't a great thing.

Not much else to report. I am too tired to get into anything in too much depth. 

Word of the Day: Tired

Quote of the Day: "Yead, I'll come. Twice."

Homework: None.

It's been a stressful week. Long. Busy. Lucrative. But stressful. And exhausting. Today is the first Sunday I have had off in more time than I can remember.

I didn't get to bed this morning until well after 5, so I ended up sleeping until about 10:30. I made some coffee and sat and played on the computer for a bit. I ended up buying some tickets to the Breeder's Cup for some friends of mine in Indianapolis. Churchill Downs is hosting the Cup this year, so I am looking forward for the restaurant being busy. Once my roommate got up, we got ready and met some coworkers to head to the St. James Art Fair. It's one of the largest in the nation. This year was pretty good. Things didn't seem so ridiculously overpriced as seems to be the case at most fairs. I bought several pieces of art and ran into a lot of people that I hadn't seen in a while. 

I got a new tattoo on Wednesday and a new piercing on Saturday. My tattoo is in white ink. As it's healing it's starting to look pretty cool. Just barely there on my forearm. My new peircing is a dermal anchor right around my temple.

Oh, and I got a promotion at work. Managing a couple of shifts a week. I'm pretty stoked about that.

I've got a lot on my brain, but just don't feel like writing it all out. 

Days like today wouldn't be possible if I weren't sober.

Word of the Day: Ridiculous

Quote of the Day: "No... Well, he's okay, I guess, but not panty worthy."

Homework: None.

Well, well, well. Here we are again. After months of not writing, and tons of things happening, here I am. 

I got my laptop fixed, finally. The last purchase I made on iTunes through my computer was on November 4, 2009. So, yeah, almost a year without my computer. I was finally able to sync all of my music onto my iPhone!

I was reading my old entires before I started typing this one. And boy how things have changed!

I celebrated six months sober last Wednesday. I can barely believe it myself. AA is still going really well. I'm starting to make more friends there, although I have yet to meet more gay people, which is a total shame. I wish I could meet more of them, but apparently they are about as unlikely as the chupacabra. It's like I told my sponsor, my gay identity used to be "the crackhead", then "the drunk". Now I am trying to figure out where I fit in within the gay community as a sober person. And that's slightly terrifying because I'd actually have to feel the feelings I so desperately tried to cover up with alcohol and drugs: self-consciousness, vulnerability, judgement, embarrassment. But perhaps it's best to figure these things out on my own, build from the ground up rather than have one thousand little voices in my ears telling me who they see me as. 

I got two tattoos. After talking about it for years and years, I finally got not one, but two! One is on the inside of my left wrist and is the Hindi translation of "sober". It looks pretty badass. The other tattoo I got literally a week after my first one. It's on my inner right bicep and says "a man the world could not slay". The writing is pretty sweet on both. I am happy I got them both.

I am going to try and update more now that my computer is back. It makes for a good supplement for everything else.