I am really liking Xanga's new Rich Text Editor for posting blogs. But I miss my "Currently..." feature that I put at the top of every entry. As I've looked through my old entries, it's been a chronicle of sorts. 

I ran into a girl I go to school with at a meeting last Wednesday. She's soooo cute and little and sweet. It nice to know that I'm not alone at school. Granted, I have my teacher that I go to meetings with, but there's still that teacher/student difference we have. So a fellow student makes it seem a little less lonely.

Work is improving a little. I was literally at my wits end a few weeks ago. But it's been getting better. 

My final court date for my DUI is next Tuesday. It should all be wrapped up after that. I have gotten rid of one of my cars, and am calling tomorrow about getting rid of the other. It sucks, but it's what I have to do. And I still have to pay my court costs this week. Everything else should be in order for Tuesday. 

I've been annoyed lately with my living situation. There really isn't a grocery store close by, so I've asked my roommate to get me a couple of things when he goes on the weekends. But he never does. Not that it's his responsibility, mind you. But he said he wouldn't mind doing that. I can only buy so much stuff from Rite Aid. He also ALWAYS shuts my bedroom door when I'm not home. Even if I leave it open with shoes in front of the door. It annoys me. The cabinets and fridge/freezer are all stocked full of his stuff. I literally have like 2 cubic feet of space for my half-gallon of milk, hot tea, cereal and oatmeal. That's all I can fit. He leaves his bedroom door open all the time, even when he sleeps, so when I wake up, I have to tip-toe around the apartment, trying not wake him or whomever he's decided to sleep with the night before. I love my apartment, I love the part of town I live in, but it's beginning to stress me out.

So, my date went well the other week. We went to see Wicked. It was a good date, but I'm still not really sure where this is all going. I called him the other night and told him everything that was going on with my DUI and AA and all that. He didn't seem all that upset about it. I was nervous as hell. We don't really keep in touch as much as I would expect. We text every other day or so. And I haven't seen him in over a week. I'm not necessarily saying that we need to talk everyday or any of that, but it's all so casual or something... I dunno. I guess I shouldn't complain that much. My free time is few and far between anyway, and I'm trying to concentrate on my sobriety. So I guess we'll see what happens.

I've been talking to God a lot more. This may sound silly to some, but it's really been comforting.

So...along with not drinking, I've decided to practice a little abstinence as well. I am going to go 40 days without doing anything sexual to myself or with someone else. I feel like with sobriety, all these other things get into the way, whether it be environmental, emotional or otherwise. I have been feeling like I really need to concentrate more on staying sober, so this is just one less thing to get into the way. Day 2 of abstaining, day 65 of sobriety. 

I'm meeting Natalie for lunch today. I haven't really hung out with her in ages... She was a big supporter of me and not drinking last year, so once I started again, we kind of drifted apart. I don't really know how to explain it, but I can sum it up like this: she is my mirror. I am really excited to see her.

Word of the Day: Adumbrate

Quote of the Day: "We can act if we want to, if we don't then no one will."

Homework: None.

Mmmmm. How I love the new Xanga Editor... All the options! Now I don't have to write my posts in Firefox to get bold type.

So. I was thinking about attractiveness. Is it wrong to rule someone out based on one thing? Obviously people have deal breakers (Shut that down!). But when does a dealbreaker become some obsessively superficial thing that rules something out? Let's say, for instance, you meet someone. Beautiful face, great style, great personality. But they are missing a tooth. Let's say that it's not even a front tooth. Or a canine. But one that is slightly visible with a smile. What would you do? I personally may not rule out someone based on one tooth, or the absence there of. But a mouthful of shitty teeth, yeah, it's a dealbreaker for me.

I had the strangest night last night. I was awake last night about 3:30 to a knock on my bedroom door. "Ryan?" the voice said. I thought it was my roommate. He asked if he could come in and turn on the light. In walks my friend Andrew who lives an hour away, in Lexington. We had texted earlier while I was at work; he said he was in town hanging out with a friend. So he comes in and simply says, "Hey." I'm laying there and say, "Hey." He said, "Do you mind if we stay the night in your spare room? We're drunk and need a place to stay." "Well, my roommate is here, but you can sleep in the living room." I gave him some pillows and a blanket. I asked how they had gotten in and they said that the girls on the second floor let them in the front door, and the door to my apartment was unlocked, thanks to my roommate. Anyway, they got to sleep, and when I had woke up this morning, Andrew had left and gone back to Lexington and left his friend here to sleep. Mind you, I had never met this guy until he said hi to me while I was half asleep in my bed a few hours earlier. He ended up leaving  without saying anything to me, while I was laying on my bed talking on the phone with my lights on and door open at noon. 

Needless to say, it was a bizarre evening.

My life is always eventful.

Tomorrow night I have a date. I bought tickets to see Wicked! since it's back in town. 8th row, baby! I'm pretty excited about the musical and having a date. Hopefully it goes well.

Word of the Day: Malapert

Quote of the Day: "Religion is for people who want to go to heaven. Spirituality is for people who have been to hell and back and don't want to return."

Homework: None.

It's been a nice relaxing week for me. I haven't worked since Monday and I don't go back until Saturday. I made it back to a meeting last night, which was welcomed. It's so weird how much I like going. I can definitely feel it when I'm away. I ran into a guy a I used to work with there. I knew he had stopped drinking two years ago but never really heard if he was in AA. I talked to him a little bit after the meeting. I have a lot of respect for him. It always helps to see a familiar face there. I've been sober for almost 50 days now.

I've been doing some thinking about my future, as far as my career. I am most definitely going to finish school. I'll graduate in October. I am really considering going to barber college after that. I have had this dream of working in and/or owning an upscale, modern barber shop. I can see it clearly in my head. There isn't one in Louisville. I'm sure there are others in the nation, I'll just have to find out where. I've pretty much written off ever owning one in the next ten years, simply because my credit is completely shot. Who knows where I'll be in ten years, though.

I have a date tonight. We're going to go see Date Night. His name is Paul. We hung out a little last summer, but I ended up flaking out once I started school. I actually like him, and I made a shitty decision. We'll see how it goes. I also bought tickets to see Wicked! since it's here for the second year in a row. It's a great show. And I have damn good seats this time.

Well, I'm off to walk to pharmacy.

Word of the Day: Perpend

Quote of the Day: "You're looking good just like a snake in the grass."

Homework: None.

I actually ripped my piercing out completely last night. I dropped my phone between my bed and nightstand. When I stuck my arm down to get it, my piercing got stuck on the edge of the nightstand. I started bleeding a lot, went to the bathroom, pinched the skin to open the hole up and shoved the thing back in. I'm hoping my body won't get mad at me and reject it now. Ugh.

Work has been pretty nuts this week. Today is the Oaks, so we're expecting it to be the craziest night of the week. I'm scheduled 5pm to 5am. Wish me luck. And tomorrow is the 136th Kentucky Derby. The world's eyes will be on Louisville, Kentucky.

I've been bothered a little lately. I've noticed that I've been acting a little meaner than I normally do. Not evil or anything, but I've been being "that guy" sometimes, having an attitude or being an ass just for the sake of laughter. It's not that I plan this out, it has just been coming out. I haven't noticed it a lot at school, but a lot at work.

I think it's the manifestation of two things: 1.) the stress level at work. It's been getting to everyone. I've been having a blast and trying to keep everyone laughing, but it's still been a beast there this week. And B.) honestly, I think the insecurities that I was so desperately trying hide under the cover of bourbon courage are pushing themselves into the open. It's kind of hard to explain. But I think I'm trying to get comfortable in my own skin again, so I guess I'm trying to figure out who I am sober. Like, who am I and who do I want people to think I am since I'm not drunk Ryan or hungover Ryan anymore. At school I'm completely comfortable, so I don't really act any way but myself. At work, however, I always feel like I'm under a microscope, being made fun of, and completely vulnerable. So I think that's where this is all coming from. I need to get it out of my system because I'm starting to get on my own nerves.

Well, time for a shower and some lunch. I need to gear up for tonight.

Oh, and 40 days sober today.

Word of the Day: Fortitude

Quote of the Day: "I have a feeling that the laughter is gonna be the only thing that holds this all together by the end of week."

Homework: Think about some of the things you do or how you act. Does is come from a genuine place or is the root of it insecurity?

I had my first incident with my piercing. I was happily showering, invigorated by the Paul Mitchell Lavender Mint Body Wash, when I ran the loofah down my arm. The netting caught the piercing, I felt a little pop and saw that it had come out just a touch. I pushed it back in and winced in pain for a moment. I cleaned it thoroughly with saline after the shower, and all appears to be okay now... Sorry for the shameless plug.

I got a new piercing today... My second in about 4 months. I got my first, my labret, right after Christmas. I almost had an axiety attack waiting to get it done. I don't have any tattoos...yet, so I wasn't sure what the pain level would be. I loved the first piercing the minute I looked at it in the mirror. And it hasn't been too much trouble to keep up with, thankfully. I had mentioned the idea of a second piercing to a good friend of mine, Megan, and she mentioned how she liked dermal anchors. The place she said to get it seemed pretty interesting, and I haven't seen many of them like it. So I figured today was the day...

We showed up at the parlor about 12:30, and after a quick consultation, the chick when to town on my wrist. Yep, my wrist. It's a flat, round dot, on my right wrist, right above my wrist bones. It's pretty effing sweet, if I say so myself. I told Megan that I fear I've created a monster...I'm already thinking about spots for my next one.

I am also trying to work out ideas for a white ink tattoo. Those look so awesome...

Maybe this is going to be my new addiction.

Word of the Day: Consternation

Quote of the Day: "Aww, man!"

Homework: None.

The Kentucky Derby Festival is off and running. Thunder Over Louisville was last night, with a crowd of an estimated 700,000. The weather was gorgeous, although the temperature dropped a little once it got dark. I, unfortunately, was at school all day and then went straight to work. I got off around 10:30 and hung out until about 12:30, hoping that the foot and auto traffic would die down enough for a girl I work with and I to get a cab. Traffic is always a nightmare. Taylor and I walked to Broadway, hoping to find a cab there, but with no luck, we ended up walking all the way to my apartment. It's not a terribly long walk, but Taylor was in a skirt and heels. She hung out at my place until a cab made it to pick her up. I watched tv for a bit, then tried to do some reading, but I was dozing in and out so bad, I finally turned the light out.

My week has been alright otherwise. I worked Thursday night and was really tired at school on Friday. I met my mom on my lunch break at school yesterday. I hadn't seen her in a while. We had a good talk about me starting AA and my alcohol classes. It was nice to get to share with her.

We talked about my dad a little bit. He's been a real dick to her lately...even more so than he has since he left her. I still have a lot of feelings about all that...feelings that I'm sure I'll have to reconcile sooner or later. Too put it lightly, the thought of my father drives me bat-shit crazy. I miss his side of the family, though.

It's a beautiful day out today... Again, too bad I have to work. I got up this morning and bought a paper and made some coffee. My Facebook status said "Perfect day for a morning stroll, getting a paper and drinking some coffee. Only thing missing is a plus 1." Ha.

Story of my life.

Word of the Day: Gregarious

Quote of the Day: "This is the part where I'd finish my guitar solo, beat the hell out of the stage with it and give the audience what they paid for!"

Homework: None.

Hmmm. So tonight's class got me thinking. The leader of the class, Mike, was saying that if you're a recovering alcoholic, then you have no need to be in a bar; it's morally wrong. Period, end of story. I'm not sure that I completely agree... Not completely.

Seeing as how I work in a restaurant/bar, maybe I'm used to the atmosphere. I can absolutely say that as of right now, if I were to walk into the bar next door to my house, I would wind up completely shitfaced. I am hesitant to go out to any gay bar for now. I know I'm not ready. But do I think I'll never be able to go out to bars (outside of 4th Street Live) again? No. I think to make that statement, "If you're a recovering alcoholic, then you have no need to be in a bar. It's morally wrong," you must say that it's subjective to each person. I don't think it's a blanket statement. Some people are more powerless that me to alcohol. And conversely, some people are stronger that I. But who's to say that I won't be able to go out and have fun with my friends after a few months of sobriety?

Next week I'll get my 30-day chip. I can't believe it's been almost 30 days.

School's been pretty boring this week... I was really busy on Friday and Saturday with clients. I think next week and the week after, with Derby and such, we'll start getting pretty busy.

A couple of my friends have decided to go sober with me. I think it's pretty awesome. It means a lot to me.

I think I may have replaced my addiction to alcohol with Haagen-Dazs Dulce de Leche. Yeah, it's that good.

Off to my meeting.

Word of the Day: Noble

Quote of the Day: "A roadway of idiocy etched into his head."

Homework: None.

It has been a fairly uneventful weekend. Since I'm down to three days a week at work, I worked last night, tonight and tomorrow. I've made good money, though. So I guess I can't complain that much.

This guy that I am friends with on Facebook and maybe said two words to in real life emailed me last week asking if my work was hiring. I said I'd look into it. I didn't get any good leads, and he emailed me again and gave me his number. We had an awesome first text conversation and have been texting ever since. We're supposed to go to dinner this week.

So as I read over that last paragraph, two things stuck me.

First, what the fuck has happened to us that email and Facebook and text has replaced the interpersonal skills that actually get us through life? It's become such a crutch. Not that I mind that he emailed or texted. I don't...at all. But damn. Why haven't I called him? It's so easy to hide behind the technological courage that is texting. But what then? You build this image through written word that you have to live up to in person. Or something.

Second, I might sound like I'm getting way ahead of myself, but I mean this generally, not just about this guy. I'm slightly nervous about starting anything new with anyone else right now, simply because I'm focusing on all my shit that I have to work on for me. It's like that thing you always hear, "How can you love someone else if you can't love yourself?" But, in my instance, if I am trying to my shit together, how can I worry about someone else at the same time. Is this making sense to anyone but me? Maybe I am actually getting ahead of myself. What's the harm in a date and seeing what this guy is all about? I don't want to kill the egg before the chicken even gets pregnant.

So... The Real World/Road Rules Challenge (is it even called that anymore? Is Road Rules still around??) started this week... It's another Fresh Meat season. I got about halfway through the first episode, and I could already feel the anxiety. This show gets me so frustrated and stressed out. I feel like I have to smoke at every commercial break or I'll go bat-shit-crazy. It's a total mind-fuck, much as I'm sure it was for the participants. And I HATE Wes. Speaking of stressful tv, The Real Housewives of New York City was ridiculous. The fight between Bethanny and Jill was insane and the Countess is becoming quite the bitch. And since when was Kelly Catrone on The City? What the hell has been happening on MTV for the past ten years that I haven't been watching?

The week starts tomorrow. At least I get to sleep in a little. And my ankle bracelet comes off on Tuesday morning. I'm pretty excited. REALLY excited. And I've been sober for 21 days.

Word of the Day: Valor

Quote of the Day: "You've been in the weeds for the last three hours."

Homework: Decide if you would start something new if you were in my position.

So... I just got back from my AA meeting. I had been once before, several months ago, and didn't much care for it. Mostly because I wasn't ready for change. Tonight was different, though. I was more open to it, to listening to people share, accepting that this is going to be part of my future. I was introduced to some people who were extraordinarily friendly. At the first meeting I went to, this was very disconcerting for me. Those who know me know that I am a total extrovert, but true to my zodiac, I am shy at first, reserved until I feel out the environment and feel safe. Although I wasn't completely in my element tonight, I was a lot more comfortable than the first meeting.

My alcohol class was really good, much to my surprise. Not that I had any big expectations, but I thought it was going to be a bunch of people bullshitting their way through, saying all the right things, looking bored. But everyone in class was (or seemed to be) genuinely serious about sobriety and learning everything they could. I had to introduce myself to the class, and then the leader told the class they could ask questions about my situation. So, I basically laid it out on the table. I was surprised at my own candor, not hesitating to lay all my shit out there for everyone, strangers none the less, to see. I looked around at the 90-pound 18-year old girl, the 50- and 60-year old men, the ghetto guys, the tatted up guy who works a few bars down from my restaurant. Before class had started, I was nervous about them. But once they started talking and I gave my past, I realized that we were all the same.

I'm seriously not trying to sound all "poetic" or clichéd, but there really was an immediate respect for these people I sat in the room with. It felt great.

---------

I was sitting in one of the classrooms at school today and a couple of the girls were complaining about the school. The school is just over a year old or so, so it's still trying to get it's kinks worked out. The girls were complaining about the lack of staff. And I totally understand. We are running with just enough teachers to get us by, but they are stretched thin. And with the growing student body, we're going to need more teachers fairly soon. I was trying to explain this and my friend TeeJay said, "Ryan, didn't you feel that way when you first started? That everything was going to be amazing?" I said, "Yeah, I still think it's amazing. And if you don't, who's to say it won't be amazing before you graduate?" He just kind of looked at me and said, "Wow. You're being so positive. You've changed."

I was never a negative person, for the most part, but when he said that, it totally affirmed my new outlook over the past few weeks. It made me feel good.

Does all this sound ridiculous and all warm and fuzzy and sickening? I never want things to sound so good that it starts to seem questionable.

I heard a good quote tonight in the AA meeting. "Humiliation is forced, humility is a choice." I can either choose to be humble and admit my problem, or be humiliated by the results of ignoring my problem. Basically what I've been going through. It really hit me.

Something had to give. And I'm so glad it's sooner, rather than later.

Word of the Day: Humility

Quote of the Day: "You can't get drunk if you don't drink."

Homework: None.