So my last post was kind of all over the place. I was trying to let out everything, but I feel like it ended up being jumbled.

I was reading my old posts on here and came across one from 2007. A wonderful little nugget from a dear friend, Tait, who lives in Minneapolis. Here, I proudly present, the crux of all my problems (mostly): "No, your not that screwed up. You just grew up in a family that chooses to live outside the flow of modern life and ignores reality, that despises homosexuality or difference of any kind, which caused you to internalize feelings of hatred for yourself over many years, which is why you turned to drugs and drink to minimize the pain of the shame you feel for being something you had no control over."

Wow. Gladly, things with my mother have improved concerning my homosexuality. I haven't talked to my dad more than 3 times, I'd say, since he left my mom. I'm sure that's another issue I've been trying to deal with with alcohol.

Anyway... I have one week left of home incarceration. The last two weeks have gone by so quickly. Luckily. It's been nice to actually come home after work, sleep on a normal schedule, eat normally (ha...perhaps a little TOO normally; I'm munching on a 6oz. giant Reese's Egg), and get back to school. I feel great, although my smoking and eating has increased... But one thing at a time.

I start my alcohol classes tomorrow. I'm not really nervous about those. I'm really nervous about starting AA tomorrow night. I have to attend two meetings a week, which isn't so bad. I think once I get over the initial adjustment, it'll be good for me and I'll make meet some new people.

I haven't drank in 16 days. But AA still makes me nervous. I think it's the addict in me resisting the change that's coming. Darkness hates light. I feel like I did when I moved home after I quit doing crystal meth. It's the anticipation/fright/uncertainty of a lifestyle change. It's like I'm drawing a line the HAS to remain for the rest of my life. And that's a big thing to wrap my head around. And I'm sure I'd feel that way about anything that is going to affect me forever. This far, no further. It may sound bad, but I've never made a decision that has made me more aware of the entirety of my life, my future. This is all starting to sound sappy or...something.

One thing has been bothering me. Work. Once I figured out when and where my alcohol classes would be, I had to amend my work availability. The only night I am not available is Wednesdays. Other than being in school, I was available. But they basically went ape shit when I changed my availability. They didn't understand. They are more excited about the fact that I'll be able to drink after I get off home incarceration that they are about me getting off home incarceration. When I say I won't be drinking, they look at me, roll their eyes and say, "Yeah. Right." They aren't very supportive. And leave it to everyone to laugh at my situation, make up nicknames (Drunky Dailey, DUI Dailey [pronounced dewey Dailey]), and generally make me doubt my self confidence. I know, I know. I'm stronger than that. Who gives a fuck what they think or say. Ah, but if only it were that easy. It would be nice to have the support from the people I spend a huge amount of time with. Perhaps I'm a mirror for them? Perhaps I'm the person they want to be and don't like it? As the saying goes, misery loves company.

On the other hand, should I be so angry about work when I've created this image of myself to them? As another saying goes, I made my bed, now I have to lie in it.

Although... there is some fascinating motivation to prove them wrong. To maintain...

Bring it.

Word of the Day: Maintain

Quote of the Day: "Is that what I think it is?"

Homework: Think about a time when people assumed they knew what actions you were or weren't going to take. Was it motivation to prove them wrong or did it just discourage you and turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy?

So how does one move forward if the demons he's fighting aren't ever brought into the light? The longer you try to fight something alone or keep your struggles hidden or aren't honest about them, the more they take over.

I never should have stopped not drinking last summer. I thought I had regained some level of control on myself. But no. After I had my first drink at the end of July '09, after three months of not drinking, it started the ball rolling.

Over the past year (it'll be a year at Derby when I quit drinking last time), the situation has snowballed into something way bigger than me. I got my second DUI in two years in November. I blew a .31 on site, and a .28 at the station. A .40 is lethal to half of adults. According to Wikipedia, a .30-.39 runs the risk of death, impaired heart rate and breathing. Yeah, I drank that much. Regularly. I just happened to get caught that night.

I have heard that addiction defined is doing/participating in the same activity without regard for the harmful consequences that follow. I would drink, miss school, then feel guilty, drink the next night, miss school, feel more guilt, and so on and so forth. It was like water swirling around a drain. I just kept sinking and sinking and getting lower and lower. I was falling into a deep depression. If it isn't obvious, I have a drinking problem. I have a addictive personality. I had always heard your transfer addictions, so I went from meth to alcohol and cocaine. Yeah. You never knows what people deal with.

Anyway... Before I start focusing on the negative, let me move onto the positive. I just needed to lay the groundwork for what's been happening.

So, my DUI case wasn't settled until a couple of weeks into March. And boy did I get my ass handed to me. I have one week of my 20-day home incarceration. I've had my license suspended for about 200 days so far and have 165 more to go. I start my alcohol classes on Wednesday night, and have 51 weeks left. And I have to attend two AA meetings a week for the time being. And those are just a few things required of me.

Geez. It's like I told my friends Nick and Rani, it looks so much worse written out on paper.

I haven't had a drink in 15 days. My friends at school are supporting me like crazy. Rani, specifically, has held me up and fought for me when I couldn't do it for myself. Megan layed it out for me on the phone several weeks ago. She didn't mince words and it was jarring to hear, but it's what I needed.

Granted, I'm only starting week three, but I feel better than I have in a long time, even better that when I quit drinking last spring. I think it's because I have such a support system in place at school.

I have no doubt I'm going to hate life sometimes, going to AA and classes. But part of me is so excited to start. I am desperate. And maybe I'm kidding myself, but how cool would if be to meet someone and say, "I don't drink. No, I don't do drugs. Yes, that means I don't even smoke weed." If I met someone like that, I'd be so impressed.

I'm nervous about actually posting this. I don't think I'll link it to my Facebook. It's not something that my 1,100 friends need to know. But I'll keep it intact for Xanga. Since I don't keep a hand-written journal, Xanga is my cathartic outlet.

Yep, I'm an alcoholic. Recovering. Who knew they looked like this?

Word of the Day: Catharsis

Quote of the Day: "I sense this going to go on for some time, so let me boil it all this whoo-ha down to two points. One, brown is over. Two, you need to get a life."

Homework: Consider your friends. Do you have anyone in your life that would fight for you if you couldn't fight for yourself? Not literally. Do you have a support system in place if you needed one?

Wow... Almost a year later...

So much has happened. Some good things, a lot of great things and a few bad things.

One of the worst things that's happened is my laptop deciding to croak out on me. I guess that happened several months ago, and I, being a habitual procrastinator, has yet to get it fixed. So, alas, I write this on my roommate's snazzy new MacBook. Oh the envy!

I lost my old iPhone in December and purchased a new 32GB 3GS. Since my computer is fucked, I haven't been able to sync my new phone, so I am still missing most of my contacts and all of my music and videos. And that is so painful. SOOOO painful.

I think I've picked a good time to come back to the world of blogging; I need another outlet. I'll get more into that in later posts...

I've been completely addicted to television lately. My DVR is at almost 100% when Sunday morning rolls around, so it's a mad dash for me to try and clear everything for the upcoming week. 30 Rock, Parks and Recreation, SNL, Project Runway, Shear Genius, The Marriage Ref, The Mentalist, The Real Housewives, Intervention, Hoarders, Kell On Earth, Desperate Housewives, Kirstie Ally's Big Life, Southland, Nurse Jackie. Yeah, that many. And Southland? Oh my stars... That is GRIPPING television. Seriously. It's incredible. I can't believe NBC canceled it. I just hope TNT decides to order more episodes.

School is incredible. I should graduate in September. I am having the greatest time. Paul Mitchell is pretty much the greatest decision I've even made.

The 136th Kentucky Derby is right around the corner. I am SO excited about it, I can barely contain myself. Although I won't be drinking at all, I am stoked that it's one big party around here for that whole two weeks preceding the Run for the Roses. The restaurant where I work, Maker's Mark Bourbon House & Lounge, is already booked solid for the week. Our private rooms are going for $10,000 a piece. I can't wait to get a piece of that. A Playboy bunny is DJing for Oaks night (Friday) that week. It should be a good crowd. All the bars are open until 6am, so I'm expecting to run on very little sleep. The already told us to assume that we're working 7 days that week. You know what I say? Bring it.

That's it for now...but be prepared for more frequent updates. It's been far too long, and I need it!

(Since I'm on a Mac, I don't know how to make words bold in Safari.)

Word of the Day: Callow

Quote of the Day: "Is your wig squeezin' your brain too tight, heifer? You put your hands on me!"

Homework: None.

Geez. Time is going by so quickly! I can't believe it's already June. My birthday is quickly approaching... I can't say that I'm too terribly excited about turning 27. I'm trying to tell myself not to give an eff, but...

I still have had an alcohol bev. As far as the list, I've accomplished some of the things, and some I still need to get working on. I'm getting REALLY excited about school. I can't wait!

My second floor neighbor moved out. Pretty much without warning. Well, the landlords knew, but as far as saying goodbye to me or anyone, he opted to just peace-out. Still waiting on his half of the internet bill, since he used my wireless... Oh well.

I finished HP6. It took me about a week, which is fast considering that HP5 took me six months. Since I've had more time on my hands, I spent a lot of it reading. I finished the last 1/4 of the book on Monday.

I'm mildly annoyed with the television this summer. There's nothing good on. Housewives of NJ, 30 Rock reruns. Eh. Top Chef Masters starts next week, and Kathy Griffin is back. I was flipping through last night and saw Spencer Pratt (one-half of The Hills couple, Speidi [incidentally, what douche came up with that?]) getting baptized on "I'm a Celebrity...and In Desperate Need of Exposure and Money" aka "I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!" I almost spit out the Ben & Jerry's I was diving head first into. Mmmmm....

I met a fascinating woman the other day at work. I worked day bar on Friday and waited on two ladies, friends for many years. One a well-noted photographer who lives in New Mexico. She was recently divorced and she and I ended up talking for a few minutes. I had mentioned that my mom was in a similar situation. She gave me her card, so I checked out her site and was quite impressed.

Saturday was Amy's birthday, so she, Natalie and I went to dinner at Avalon. It was nice, just the three of us. They are really two of the best influences on me. After dinner, we went to the Monkey Wrench and sat there and talked. A bunch of people showed up later in the evening. I was home by 1 or 1:30.

It's been a quiet week for me so far. Spending most of it at home. Oh, and my obsession with NPR is doing nothing but growing. I'm downloading podcasts of NPR shows now and listening to the Public Radio app for my iPhone.

Word of the Day: Surreptitious

Quote of the Day: "Mmmmm... Is it single?"

Homework: None.

So it's been a LOOOOOONG time since my last post. Since January 13. And so much has happened....

I guess the biggest thing over the last few months was my first ever trip to Chicago. My friend Anthony and I drove up for 4 days to see the Britney Spears concert, which, by the way, was awesome.Our seats were out of this world. The picture that sums up the concert:

Yep. That says it all. Ha!

I guess some other big news is that I haven't had a drink in 26 days. That may not seem like a big deal, but, for me, it is a huge deal. One of the things on the List (more on that later) was to stop drinking for a week. I've almost accomplished that goal, but out of neccessity, not because I had put it on some list. I had gotten to the point in my drinking that I would go out and get completely black-out trashed. I couldn't go out and have a drink or two, it was shots, shots, shots, trashed, stumbling, idiot drunk. So, the Sunday after the Kentucky Derby, I had my last drink, brokedown and haven't touched it since. My "breakdown" is a long story, and a little too personal to post here, but it was just what it took to open my eyes. I haven't decided if I'm ever going to drink again. Not drinking has worked wonders, so, as the old saying goes, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Oh! The REALLY big news is that I applied to Paul Mitchell The School and start there on my birthday, July 21. If you don't know, it's hair school. I have thought about doing it for a long time, but never did anything about it, so I talked to my mom about it and my best friend Natalie and decided to do it. I'll be attending with two other good friends of mine and I already know a few people there. I am SOOOOO excited about it.

Other big news: so my last ex is now a wanted (fugitive) criminal. It was all over the news, much to my shock. I knew Ramon had a little bad in him, but to go to the lengths he has was truly surprising. Here's the news article from Wave3. I tried finding the video, but it's no longer on the site.

By Maira Ansari - bio | email
Posted By Mike Dever - email

50 Things to Accomplish Before 11:59pm, December 31, 2009.

(Effective February 1, 2009)

1. Pay off credit cards.

2. Finish reading the Harry Potter series. I've got two more books. I've got about 100 pages of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix left.

3. Don't drink for one month.

4. Don't go out for one month. This one is going to be extremely difficult for me. It may or may not be the same month I'm not drinking. I think the greater test would be to do them in seperate months.

5. Whiten teeth.

6. Stop smoking. It's been two days so far...

7. Get back into a regular workout routine.

8. Get a tattoo.

9. Get a piercing.

10. Travel somewhere I've never been before. This one should be easy, seeing Britney in Chicago.

11. Eat an expensive meal at an expensive restaurant that I pay for myself.

12. Eat one piece of fruit every day.

13. Watch an entire football game on tv.

14. Attend a sporting event.

15. Drink a glass of orange juice or milk everyday.

16. Listen to one random song every day from my iTunes library and all those songs in a playlist entitled, "2009". Started already, first song, "Rise Up (Club Mix)" by Yves Larock.

17. Cook myself dinner once a week (using a recipe and pots and pans).

18. Take one picture everyday for one month. I'll probably do this one in the spring, maybe April or May.

19. Go to the tanning bed.

20. Buy a Blu-ray player.

21. Buy an expensive bottle of wine (>$50).

22. Purchase everything in my iTunes shopping cart.

23. Sing kareoke.

24. See a foreign film.

25. Save $5 a day for one month.

My first post of 2009.

I spent New Year's Eve at work and at the bar next door to my house. I worked at 10am and finally made it home about 11:45pm. Yeah, a fourteen-hour-straight workday isn't the best way to spend a New Year's Eve, but after being in South Beach last year, I figured it wouldn't be bad to have a low-key NYE.

I started school today. I am taking two online courses this semester, which is completely new to me, and it feels a bit odd. I'm thinking that they shouldn't be too terribly difficult. My friend Natalie is taking one of the same classes, so at least I'll have someone to take about it with.

2009 hasn't been exciting so far... I've been broke the entire year, haven't worked out, slept too much. I was readin TheHiddenPartOfMe's Xanga and I was intrigued by the idea of making a list of 50 things to do by 11:59pm, December 31, 2009. I want to do one, but I am too scared of not being able to complete it. The more I think about it, the more I want to. I should write them on a big posterboard and keep the list on here as well, for accountability, much like TheHiddenPartOfMe has.

Travel would definitely be on the list. I'm going to Vegas at the end of April and two days after I get back, I'm driving to Chicago to see Britney. Then the day after I get back is the Kentucky Derby, which is one of the biggest nights of the year. And I need to drive up to Minnesota to see my friend Tait. It's been over two years since I've seen him.

Once I start creating a list, I'll post it here.

My bathroom is almost done being remodelled. Let's see... I moved in on October 1st, and I guess they've been working on it for two months now. A new wall is up, the shower is re-tiled, a new sink and toilet are in and the frame for new shelves. The floor is left, paiting and building the shelves, and I think that's it. I can't freaking wait.

I may start looking for a second job soon. I am not making enough or working enough to pay my damned bills. And it's becoming increasingly frustrating. And by frustrating, I mean, wanting to rip my damn hair out.

I am sitting here with my headphones on, listening to my awesome dance music playlist, while pretending like I know what the people on A&E's Intervention are talking about. For some reason, their addictions are so much worse in HD.

Alright, enough of this. I'm off. Keep an eye out for my list.

Word of the Day: List

Quote of the Day: "As soon as I heard you were dating a sailor, I knew it would be nothing but heartache. The swabbies drift into port, park their ditties right on your doorstep, show you some tricks they learned in the Orient and it's, "Avast me hardies," and they shoved off with a serpent tattoo and your heart as souveniers."

Homework: Make a list of your own. Nothing that you can't hold yourself to, or that isn't attainable. And try and figure out where my quote came from. Also, check out TheHiddenPartOfMe's Xanga.

I am excited that this year is almost over! I am already planning 2009. I am coming up with resolutions to keep for this coming year. It's going to be an exciting year!

I plan on travelling some next year. I want to head back to South Beach. It's only been a year since I've gone, but I LOVE it there. I need to go visit one of my besties (yeah, I said it) in Minneapolis and two of my friends in Indianapolis. Maybe another trip or two, here and there. I'm already planning on a good semester at school.

I plan on working hard on myself this coming year as well. Less drinking, less eating, more working out, less going out. By the time summer gets here, I'll be a ripped son of a bitch. We'll see what this city says about me then.

I'm supposed to housesit for a friend starting this Saturday. Ten days, $200. Who's complaining? Not me.

Oh, and this recession shit is for the birds.

Word of the Day: Recession

Quote of the Day: "Ed Hardy? Hardly."

Homework: Start considering potential resolutions for the coming year. What are you willing to give up and/or change?

So... Here we are. At the end of another year.

Now that I think about it, my life has had SO many changes this year. I spent the first few days of this year in South Beach with a boyfriend that I no longer have. I finally got myself back into school. My parents split up. My best friend and her girlfriend split up. My boyfriend and I split up. I moved into his apartment in January and into my own in October. It was the first Thanksgiving without my dad, and without my extended family. It'll be the first Christmas alone.

What a roller coaster. I'm kind of glad this year is almost over.

I finished the dismal semester. I am really looking forward to next, a new start, new classes.

I found out that Ramon cheated on me. For sure. It only made me feel that much better about breaking up with him. What an asshole. It's funny how people can appear to be something else.

I am going to spend the next month off school working as much as I can. I need some extra cash for the holidays, even though I have no one to buy for really. I'm trying to not think about it too terribly much or it might depress me.

On the other hand, this year makes me look forward to seeing where I am this time next. 365 days is a long time...

Word of the Day: End

Quote of the Day: "I'd cook him on medium-low heat with apple butter."

Homework: Give thanks for what you have, make a resolution to get what you don't, and tell the people you can really depend on that you appreciate them.

I got a fantastic new haircut today. Lovely.

Nothing new has been going on. I went kind of nuts for a while after the break-up, but things are calming down for me. I'm not going out as much, the "newness" of being single has worn off. I'm settling back into my normal routine.

I don't know if I posted about it, but I lost my Burberry wallet and iPhone on Halloween. Luckily my wallet turned up in a parking lot sans cash the following Monday. I'm still using a crappy 5-year old Samsung flip phone. It's a bad day in Mudville. A friend from Indianapolis who's coming to visit in two weeks just bought a new iPhone, so he's going to let me have his old one. I'll take what I can get until I can replace my 16GB white Apple iPhone 3G. I am eternally greatful to Aaron for letting me have his, for sure.

School is almost over, thank goodness. This semester seems to have drug on, and I'm ready for it to end. I'm kinda looking forward to next semester already. It's a new start.

My apartment is fab. I have "new" neighbors on the second floor. A use "" because I've know one of them for many years, so it was a welcome addition to the house.

Britney's new cd is going to be SICKENING. "Womanizer" is the deal and the newly leaked, "Kill the Lights" is HOT. It's going to be awesome.

That's it for now.

Word of the Day: Dreamboat

Quote of the Day: "Get in line."

Homework: None.