Well, in the month since my last post, things have been going significantly better. I moved into my own apartment, which is spectacular. School is going fantastic and so is work.

I don't think of Ramon much. He accused me of some pretty ridiculous things and ended up changing the locks on our apartment. After that, I was completely done. It really is a same at how degraded our relationship had become. A friend told me that Ramon didn't "turn" into the person he was after the breakup, that it was more of the bad aspects of his personality coming out in full force. It shouldn't have surprised me, really, because I saw glimpses of these traits all through our relationship. But they became so magnified in the last few weeks of me living there.

All in all, I must say that that 13-month span of my life was great. I learned a lot and grew a lot. I experienced much. But it was time for it to end and for me to move on to better things in life.

My apartment is great. It's in a quiet area of Old Louisville. It's on the 3rd floor, which, needless to say, was a complete bitch to move into. I still haven't gotten any living room furniture, but that's okay. I have my bed and some other things, so I don't mind much.

All of the straight guys at work are growing beards for "Rocktober", so I decided to join in. Granted, I can't grow hair on my cheeks, so my beard looks more like a chinstrap. But it's something different that I haven't done before. It's given me a perfect setup for a mustache when I dress in my sailor costume for Halloween.

Word of the Day: Home

Quote of the Day: "This is Dolce and Gabbana, you pissy little bitch."

Homework: Do something different for a month. Grow a beard, quit drinking, stop watching tv.

I figured that it would get easier over time, but continuing to live here while being broken up may be one of the hardest things I've ever done.

It's really sad what our relationship has become. He won't even let me use the washer and drier to do my laundry anymore. I told him that I've hated seeing him not come home of Saturday nights. And he says, "Well, I'm not going to tell you where I've been or who I've been with because you don't even want to know." I didn't even ask. I said, "My heart is broken right now. And you don't care. I just wish you were more upset about this whole thing. He replied, "Why should I care about you? You broke up with me. Why should I be upset?" "Because we were together for 13 months."

"Why should I care about you? You broke up with me." Those words will haunt me.

I haven't eaten in three days. My nerves are fucked and my stomach is upset, and the thought of eating makes me feel even more ill. I just need to get out of this house. It feels like such a prison now. I can't get to work early enough, and I dread the thought of coming home sometimes.

I just wish he would feel. It's so frustrating that he so easily goes on with his business like it's a normal day. He's never been emotional, though. And the way he is, I'm not sure that there is anyone out there that will meet his standards.

I need to get out of this place.

Word of the Day: Leave

Quote of the Day: "Don't make me cause a scene!"

Homework: None.

Only 80 more people until my visitor count gets to 10,000!

Things are going well, I'm happy to report. The most frustrating thing for me so far this week (My week beginning Monday) was the B I got on my first Biology test. I studied for it. However, since I didn't have a new notebook for the first class, my notes were seperated between the two, and I forgot to study the first part of the chapter. I'll take a B, though. I'm hoping to pass the class with an A, but I'll be perfectly happy with a B.

The breakup is becoming...easier? to deal with. Not that breakups are ever easy, but I'm becoming more accustomed to the situation, I guess. This weekend didn't go as well as I had hoped, though. I think it's because I was drinking tequila.

I've been drunk on tequila twice in my life. (I won't count this weekend because I wasn't really drunk.) The two times that tequila got the best of me, I ended up crying at the end of the night. Don't ask me why, because the years and the alcohol prevent me from remembering. Not to mention it was at the time in my life when I was strung out on meth all the time. So, Saturday, at the suggestion of my friend Scott, I figured I'd switch it up from my Maker's and Coke to Jose and Coke. And by 12:30 I was ready to go home. I was feeling blue. I'll never drink tequila as part of a beverage again. Well, besides the occasional shot and margarita.

We fought terribly on Sunday. Ramon (that's his real name, not Ray as some of his friends call him) fights with insults. I fight with logical arguments. Most of the time anyway. I admit, I started the fight, bring up something that I had no right to bring up. But the way he reacted... He knows exactly how to hit me where it hurts, and he did it on Sunday. And Monday. It's just strengthening my resolve, as President Bush would say.

I'm going to look at an apartment on Saturday. I'm not sure what to expect. My friend Scott will be needing a roommate in October, and I'd love to live there. It's a fantastic apartment. I want to look at the one on Saturday only because it's close to downtown, which is where everything I'm involved in is. Work, school and the gym are all, seriously, within two minutes of each other if you're walking. 15-30 seconds by car. Scott's place is probably 10-15 minutes away, on a good day. The downtown apartment is more expensive, but not substantially; I look at it as a convenience fee. I guess I'll just wait to see how it looks when I see it this Saturday.

Word of the Day: Resolve

Quote of the Day: "Hello!!! Slutty, slutty, slutty." (Said in a way that Michael Kors could.)

Homework: Notice that Ryan has used a lot of parenthases in this entry. Clever visual and reading aid or something more sinister? You decide.

My visitor count is getting close to 10,000!

So, I broke up with him on Thursday. I needed to. I couldn't do it anymore. It's tough. But would have been tougher to stay. I'll probably move out by October. Not sure where yet. Still trying to figure things out.

Word of the Day: Single

Quote of the Day: "Sometimes I have to so you'll learn."

Homework: None.

It's been a long, long time since I've posted...

I've been busy. And...funky.

It's last a month (at least) now and I wish I could shake this funk off. I don't know what's gotten to me, but something has. I just feel so much pressure lately. Pressure about buying the house, pressure about money, pressure about school, pressure about work. And it's just so...frustrating...

Money is the biggest thing. I'm barely getting by lately. I've had to adjust my work schedule for school and in turn, I'm getting completely fucked. And it's like there's no end in sight.

My parents divorce has really gotten to me, too. My dad decided to leave after 28 years. How fucking ridiculous is that? I try so hard not to be angry. I try to talk myself out of it. But when I think of my mother and what this is done to her... It's like a rage that I feel. Literal hatred. And I know it's wrong to feel that way. Well, I know it's okay to be angry, but I'm having such a hard time forgiving. I've never felt such a desire to physically attack someone as I do towards my father. And I'm not saying that to be funny. I don't know a better word for rage.

And then my best friend and her girlfriend split up. And they had the kind of relationship that was the touchstone for me. And now they've broken up.

It's all very frustrating. And it's affecting me. I don't know how to not let it affect me, but it's like the two partnerships that I never would have thought of ending are and I'm left wondering, "Is it that easy? What am I doing this for if there aren't any guarantees?"

I just want to shake all of this off. But it's so much easier said than done. I'm frustrated most because no one can help. I've got to do this one my own. Just like everyone else.

Word of the Day: Annoyed

Quote of the Day: "You mean a 'shiss'? Yeah, it's when you shit, but it comes out like piss."

Homework: Do you ever feel pressure? What do you do to lessen the force? Do you think pressure is a good thing, that helps us make necessary changes? Why or why not?

Gosh... It's been so long since I've posted!!! A couple of new things have happened...

Yesterday was my last day of summer classes. I'm pretty glad about that. I have about 4 weeks off, then it's back to it! I have one more paper to write and turn in by the 31, but we don't have to meet for class anymore.

I've been having some family trouble. Nothing I'd care to go into here, but a lot has been going on and it's been pretty tough. I'm still trying to sort things out...I'm having a lot of trouble handling it. I mean as far as what I should feel. I feel a little helpless.

My 26th birthday was this past Monday. It was uneventful. My mom gave me some money and Ray gave me a sweet pair of Diesel shoes and a new iPhone. It's pretty bad-ass. I'm completely addicted and have decided that I couldn't live without it. We went to a fantastic dinner at Jack Fry's and then went home. We were going to see 'The Dark Knight', but it was completely sold out.

Our 1-year anniversary was on Tuesday, so I got him a card and a new shirt. Since my birthday and the anniversary fall so close together, we just kind of did them together.

The fifth season of Project Runway started last Wednesday night. As you may know, I am a die-hard fan of that show. I am a little distressed, however, because of the time table for the show this year. Season 4 just finished in February or March, then Season 5 just started, and the Season 6 starts in October or November on Lifetime... Yes, Lifetime. Don't even get me started on that. The show seems to have a different feeling this season. The editting seems to be a little weird. And the fact that there is now opening segment, where they're showing all the designers, has completely devistated me. Yes, devistated. The first challenge was the exactly the same as the first challenge of Season 1, and by the looks of it, next week's challenge is going to be exactly like one of the challenges of Season 2. Maybe the producers and Bravo are paying homage to the previous seasons since they know this is the last one on Bravo? Even if that's true, be bigger and better and more original. Seriously... It's like Bravo is being the bitter ex that wants to ruin it's former partner so no one else can enjoy it. Hopefully the season will get better...

Word of the Day: Devistated

Quote of the Day: "Tight, short and shiny is the quickest way to look cheap."

Homework: Check out the new season of Project Runway, only on Bravo. Watch what happens. 

I should be at the gym right now. I don't know what it is... I'm starting a new schedule this week. Working only in the evenings and school at 10:45 in the morning until noon. So, I have been getting up at 5 like I usually do, which makes me put everything off. It's like if I wait to long to go to the gym, it's too late and I don't want to go.

I got up at 7 this morning and drank my coffee and did a little reading. I've been monitoring the internets all day long for any news from Cali about the new iPhone. (I know, I know, that completely makes me sound like a nerd.) I've just been eagerly anticipating it since I'm going to be getting one in a month.

Also in a month, I'll be procuring a tattoo. I already know what I want, I'm just not sure how it will look. I can't draw that well, so I haven't been able to sketch the tattoo myself, and although I can picture it in my head, I'd have to see it on paper before seeing it on my skin.

Ray saw the 'Sex & the City" movie, and I must say that we both loved it. I thought it was visually stunning and although I had some idea of what the plot involved, I thought it was still unpredictable enough to stay interesting. I haven't decided if I liked Jennifer Hudson's character yet.

My birthday is coming (at the same time as the iPhone and tattoo) and I think I want to have a big party. Ramon's and my anniversary is the day after, so I'm trying to think of something good, since it will have been a year that we've been together. Gosh, it doesn't seem that long at all.

That's all the news that's fit to print. For now...

Word of the Day: Procure

Quote of the Day: "Love is the only label that lasts."

Homework: See 'Sex & the City'.

Gosh. If only I led an interesting life. Then I could blog so much more!

Yesterday was Amy's birthday, so we all went to dinner at Havana Rumba. They food was delicious. Everyone went to Flannigan's afterwards, but since Ray had to work today, he just dropped me off. Luckily we live close to the bar, so I was just able to walk home.

I was off yesterday, I'm off again today and I'm off tomorrow. Talk about luck. I'm kind of hating it now, because I could use the extra money. It's alright, though. I'll survive.

I didn't do much today. I laid out for a while at the park and now I'm a little red. Not completely burnt, but tender enough to get pissed off.

I'm doing well in my workouts. I'm lifting more, but I haven't run in a while. My weight hasn't really flucuated anymore. I wonder if I spelled that right.

Anyway... That's it from me. Until next time...

Word of the Day: Red

Quote of the Day: "Who's laughing now, bitch!"

Homework: None.

Boy, oh, boy. It's been a while since I've posted anything.

I guess because there's nothing new to report.

Derby has come and gone. I didn't do anything but work.

I am starting summer school in June. I actually looking forward to it. I am registering for my class tomorrow. I think I'm going to take art history.

I've officially lost 40 pounds. I've never looked better, I must say.

Ray and I bought a new tv and home theatre system. It's a 42" LG LCD HD TV. It's genius.

I find myself getting frustrated with life a little. It's like I work so hard and when I think I reach a good level, something comes up and I find myself staring at another uphill climb. I've been busting my ass at the gym, I'm in great shape. I am back in school. Work is going exceptionally well. My bills are caught up and I'll actually paying them early. So, today I decided to get a copy of my credit report. I got my score from all three bureaus. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, but, of course, there are something things on there that definitely need improvement. And it's going to be a task. It's just frustrating to work so hard on things and then you still have so much more work ahead...

I guess that's what life is all about. Always working to make yourself better. And I guess part of being an adult is facing the stupid things you did when you were younger and overcoming those things.

I need to head to the bank and the gym. Actually, the gym first and then the bank. I'm off for the next two days. I'm excited. I guess.

Word of the Day: Improvement

Quote of the Day: "I'm worth a million."

Homework: None.

I got out of bed about 5:20 this morning. I went downstairs to get some coffee and as I was talking to Ray, the house began to shake. My mind raced to figure out what was happening. The first thing I though was that someone was inside, running down the hardwood floor hallway. After I decided that was ridiculous, I thought that maybe someone was on the roof. Then I though that someone was stealing our deck furniture and running down the wooden stairs outside.

The shaking last for about 30 seconds, I guess. It was the most bizarre thing.

As Ray and I were headed to the gym about an hour later, the people on the radio were talking about the earthquake that had rumble through Louisville. I was stunned. It was a 5.4 quake and the epicenter was located in West Salem, Illinois, about 230 miles south of Chicago.

It was the first time I've ever experienced anything like that and it's a little unnerving. It was just so weird to feel so out of control and like something was happening that I couldn't stop. Granted, it wasn't a huge quake, but it was enough to rattle me.

In other news, I'm really proud of myself lately. This is the second week in a row that I've hit the gym six days. I've been getting up between 5 and 5:30 everyday (except Sundays) and getting my day started at the gym. I've started running on the treadmill in addition to the 40 minutes on the elliptical machine. Last week I was running a mile to a mile and a half, but this week I've been going at least two.

I'm also starting to have a better dialogue with myself. Talking myself out of things, talking myself through things and analyzing myself a lot more. I'm really growing as an individual and it feels weird, like I'm trying to figure out how to live in this new skin.

School almost out. I can't wait to see what summer holds...

Word of the Day: Bold

Quote of the Day: "Pooped my pants, proud of it, let's roll!"

Homework: Will someone, for the love of God, please tell me how to make text bold when using Apple's Safari browser? I can't seem to figure it out.